“Great job getting an A on your English test—what a smart kid!” “We’re so proud of our talented musician.” It’s natural for parents to pour on the praise, but some can actually backfire. “It’s common to think that praise like ‘You’re so smart’ builds a child’s self-esteem and leads to high achievement,” says Po Bronson, coauthor of Nurture-Shock: New Thinking About Children. “But research confirms the opposite: That kind of praise leads kids to underperform.” Stanford University professor Carol Dweck, PhD, found that broad praise of children’s intelligence teaches them that success is based on innate skills, which they either have or don’t have. “So their success isn’t something they can really control,” explains Bronson. “At the same time, they feel that if they have to try hard, it means they can’t really cut it on their natural gifts. They avoid taking risks that may lead to mistakes and the loss of their ‘smart kid’ label—and of their parents’ approval.” However, applauding a student’s effort—rather than intelligence—will bolster initiative going forward and give kids a sense that they can control their success. So rather than saying how brilliant he is, tell your child something like “The hard work you put into your science project really shows.” That’s something that’s entirely up to him.

Success Boosters

Parenting expert Po Bronson’s tips for effective praise:

Think process. Praise his method of doing something to show you value his effort. Instead of “You’re so great at puzzles,” tell him, “I like how you organized and separated the blue, red and orange pieces to finish the puzzle.”

Speak about strategies. Instead of saying, “That’s the best picture. You’re such a good artist,” tell him you like the way he incorporated so many different colors.

Avoid empty praise. He’s expected to do his homework. Praise him instead when he learned something new, worked particularly hard or took on a challenge.