Do you crave a caffeine fix? Eating or texting to excess? These soft addictions can take a toll on your health and prevent you from getting what you want. Here’s how to take back control.

Padding across her kitchen floor in the predawn darkness, Mary Curley hits the start button on her coffee machine and begins her day with a steaming mug. By the time she gets to her post as a nurse at an assisted living facility, she’s had two more doses of caffeine. Budget cutbacks have resulted in understaffing at the Woodcliff Lake, NJ, center where she works, and Mary knows she’ll spend the morning dashing from one patient’s room to another. Then she hides, she says, to have another cup of coffee. “I can hear people looking for me,” she admits. “But I really need to sit with that warm cup. These days I’m doing that more and more.” By the time this mom of six heads home, she’s had, “well, let’s just say too much coffee.” Tired, stressed, anxious. It’s not surprising this working mom savors those caffeine fixes. It’s a bad habit, for sure. But could it be something more? Increasingly, experts say that certain seemingly harmless habits—taken to excess—are actually soft addictions. What starts out as a soothing activity can wind up numbing your feelings and draining your energy. Though these soft addictions feel like a solution to a problem, they can get in the way of leading a more fulfilling life. Soft addictions are an escape from uncomfortable feelings,” says Judith Wright, who wrote a book on the subject, The Soft Addiction Solution. A hot cup of coffee becomes a Band-Aid for work stress. More stress means more coffee. “If it leads to an unsustainable emotional high, or a feeling of numbness,” says Wright, “that’s a soft addiction.” Unlike “hard” addictions, like drugs or alcohol, which can pose grave health risks, soft addictions aren’t life-threatening. However, they can act as roadblocks that people aren’t aware of. According to a Harris poll of more than 1,000 people, up to 90 percent of respondents suffered from soft addictions. Some of the most common: watching a lot of television, stress snacking, drinking too much caffeine, shopping, emailing and social networking. “Whenever you place something—be it caffeine or an email—above the important people in your life, you’re causing harm,” says Jennifer Ginsberg, MSW, an addiction specialist with more than 15 years of experience. “You’re telling your child or husband or friend that a latte or an email is more important. That’s a tiny hurt that you inflict every day, and in the case of a true addict, several times a day.” Ultimately, these actions can strain relationships, productivity and your own well-being. Often associated with stress, soft addictions may become even more prevalent in shaky economic times like these. “I keep a bowl of M&M’s on my desk at work,” says Maryann Reiper, a properties manager in Lincoln Park, NJ, and mom of two. “On days when things are really bad—too many vacant apartments, unpaid rents, eviction notices—I’ll reach for another handful and realize the bowl is empty. Only I have no memory of having eaten them all,” she confesses. “I call it a chocolate blackout.” When you understand what soft addictions enable you to avoid—and when you learn to control these cravings—you’re more likely to get what you really want out of life. Are you watching TV late at night to avoid your spouse? Does negative feedback from your boss send you on a shopping spree? We spoke with experts about why activities that seem harmless can obstruct happiness, and how to turn the tide.

From Coping to Copping Out

Julie Donahue, a 40-year-old mother of three and self-described online addict, started out frequenting message boards. “I could limit what people knew about me and focus only on my good qualities, like leadership, competence and confidence,” she explains. “Over time, it fed my ego. When I was feeling overwhelmed at home, I could log on and feel like I was in control of my world again.” Web surfing became a haven for Julie. When she started a product review blog that stole hours away from her family, her husband pulled the plug on her online activities. “At first I was angry,” she says. “He was taking away my comfort zone!” But gradually she became aware of how much time she was wasting in front of the computer. “I started to realize that my ‘friends’ on the boards didn’t even realize I was no longer there, and that’s what finally made me see that I was better off fulfilling myself in other, more productive ways.”

Hijacked Brain Waves

Soft addictions seize control of the reward system in your brain, explains Cassandra Vieten, PhD, associate scientist at the Mind-Body Medicine Research Group at the California Pacific Medical Center Research Institute. “It’s basically the reward system gone haywire,” she says. Here’s how it works. You initially gravitate toward an activity, like shopping, because it makes you feel good. You buy a great dress (on sale!), and you feel a terrific high that lasts long enough to help you forget about your crumbling 401(k) plan. That high occurs in your middle brain, which is focused on survival. “The middle brain is always on the lookout for good species-perpetuating things like food, love, sex,” says Dr. Vieten. But it only identifies these things by the chemical signals they produce. If shopping feels as good as sex, the brain tags it as an easy go-to activity in times of stress. And every time you go shopping, you reinforce that middle-brain connection between shopping and survival. Simply swap shopping with Web surfing, TV watching or texting and the effect is the same, Dr. Vieten says. Stress only exacerbates a budding soft addiction. It literally silences your higher brain, the reason-driven part that reminds you that you can’t afford another dress or that compulsively checking your PDA at the dinner table is obnoxious.

Addiction Aftermath

A clear downside of soft addictions is that they block intimacy, much like hard addictions, such as alcoholism. “Instead of facing your difficult emotions—the fear of losing control or your sense of self, worry over money matters—you’re burying yourself in Facebook,” says Wright. “It’s a lost opportunity to connect with the people who mean the most to you.” Soft addictions can also have long-term consequences. Stress snacking can cause you to pack on pounds and put you at an unhealthy weight. A shopping addiction can destroy your finances. Excessive caffeine drinking can cause insomnia, anxiety, headaches and irritability. Interestingly, most people have no trouble owning up to a soft addiction, says Wright: “They’ll readily admit they have a problem. The real question is whether the problem is bad enough to stop.” Road to Recovery Before you can kick the addiction, you have to figure out what made you vulnerable to it in the first place, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, a Pennsylvania-based psychologist. For instance, Mary turns to coffee to ease overwork anxiety. Maryann eats chocolate to cope with stress. Julie surfs the Web looking for control over chaos. Start by noting how you feel before, during and after you engage in an addictive behavior, Wright suggests. Once you identify the emotion, you can break the addiction by confronting what you’re feeling. What were you really looking for when you signed on to Facebook, turned on your TV or stayed glued to your email? Did you want to feel connected? Once you get in touch with your true wants and needs, you can look for a healthy substitute activity. Want to feel more in touch? Call a friend or make lunch plans with a family member. “When you add more family time, more reading instead of watching TV, more time with your friends instead of texting, you naturally veer away from energy-draining soft addictions as you create new reward connections in your brain,” says Wright. Kicking an addiction—even a soft one—can be tricky, so the key is moderation. “Herbal tea just isn’t the same as a cup of coffee,” admits Mary. “And going cold turkey was too difficult.” Reduce the behavior but don’t cut it out completely, experts advise. Wean yourself, so it loses its grip on your middle brain. For instance, if you check your BlackBerry every two minutes, limit the number of times you check it in a single day and stick to your plan. “It can feel extremely uncomfortable and stressful,” says Dr. Lombardo. “But every day you do this, it will get easier. It’s just one day at a time.”

Do you have a soft addiction?

Watching TV

You might have a problem if... The TV goes on at night like clockwork; you often fall asleep on the sofa in front of it; you can’t fall asleep without it. How to kick it Set a timer to limit it to just one hour a night. Unplug the TV one night a week and have a family game night instead.

Checking Email

You might have a problem if... You reach for the BlackBerry whether you’re breastfeeding or talking to friends; you pull over to check email when driving.

How to kick it Restrict checks to certain times and turn off the PDA after 8:00 p.m. Check it only twice on weekends; never bring it on vacation.

Stress Snacking

You might have a problem if... You often reach for food when you’re feeling anxious or stressed; you feel numb while eating; you eat a lot of food without realizing it. How to kick it Before you eat, write down what you’re hungry for; then call a friend and share how you’re feeling. Swap in healthy snacks.

Caffeine

You might have a problem if... You need coffee first thing in the a.m.; you’re angry if the office coffeepot is empty. How to kick it Wean yourself off caffeine slowly by gradually switching to decaf.

Shopping

You might have a problem if... Your credit cards are maxed out; you hide purchases from your spouse, friends or family. How to kick it Set a weekly cash budget. Record every purchase. Cancel your credit cards ( yes, really).

Web surfing

You might have a problem if... You feel closer to strangers online than to friends and family. How to kick it Restrict screen time; get a mobile phone that’s not Net ready.