The helpful stay-at-home mother next door is always willing to take care of your kids in a pinch. Are you asking too much of her?

D: I work full-time, but my neighbor, who doesn’t, often volunteers to pick up my kids from school. I also rely on her to watch them on snow days. How can I repay her, without actually paying her?

Ah, the ongoing exploitation of the slave-at-home mom. She’s chosen to be at home to take care of her children; you’ve chosen to go to work and let her help take care of your children. Of course, no one makes that last decision consciously, but the slope can be slippery when two people are friends, their kids are friends and there’s an extra seat in the third row of an SUV. This is tricky, mostly because it takes a rare boldness for the mom in sneakers to refuse to come to the rescue of the mom in pumps. Many women might be annoyed at being asked time and again to cart another child to school, or run a homework club, but few would come right out and say so.

The best way out of this is to have a list of sitters you can call in an emergency—people your children like, whom you can trust and whom you pay. I would also let someone offer before you ask her to take your child anywhere. Moms who like to help other moms usually bring it up: “If you ever need me to take Jackson home after school, let me know.”

If your friend does insist on doing you favors, make sure you return them in kind. Going to the playground on Saturday morning? Ask if you can pick up her children on the way. Offer to babysit for her and her husband one night. You could say, “I think you’d like that new Coen brothers movie. I’ll watch the kids next Saturday so you and Dan can go see it.”

Then take a stack of magazines and head over there that weekend. It’ll be hard for her to feel resentful when someone is facilitating a date night.

Q: I tell my daughters (12 and 14) they can call me at work, but since I got them both cell phones, well, they’re making the most of our family phone plan. Should I stop taking their calls?

Did you ever hear the story about the tweener who cried wolf? She called her mommy all the time, to complain that a test was too hard or to ask if she could get an Ice Blended with Katia after school. And then one day, when her mommy ducked out of yet another meeting to take a call about getting tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert, Mommy’s boss said, “Enough is enough!” And fired her.

Maybe that’s a little over the top. Chances are you won’t actually get fired. Still, there’s no reason you need to be so accessible. This idea that parents—and children—should be reachable at all times is robbing everyone of independence. The cellular tether your children have you on is not doing anyone any favors. The fact that you feel the need to be available to them during work hours is the guilt talking. Whatever happened to good ol’ emergency contacts? The reality is, your children are surrounded by adults for most of the day, any one of whom can call you if need be. You don’t want to tell your kids to “call in case of an emergency” because to them, a bad hair day or “You forgot to  pack the Fritos” is a genuine crisis.

If your daughters must carry cell phones, tell them they can call you once in the afternoon, at a specified time. Tell them that if you do not answer, they are to leave you a message saying they have reached their destination. If they feel they must talk to you about a pressing problem, they can leave you a message and you will listen to it right away. You can also add that you love them and that you trust their judgment and ability to make the right decisions. Take that, Verizon!

Sally Schultheiss, a freelance writer who specializes in life and family issues, lives in Los Angeles with her husband and children Eddie, 6, and Jane, 4.

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