Q: My mom helps out with my kids because my husband and I work. But she’s turned out to be more drill sergeant than doting grandma. How can I convince her to relax and spoil the kids a little?

This is a tricky one. It’s important to expose children to all types of personalities, and maybe in your life, those personalities don’t match the stereotypes. Perhaps your brother Jeff isn’t the fun-loving, throw-your-toddler-over-his-shoulder uncle you thought he would be. Maybe Grandma isn’t your “spoiler.” Maybe for your child, that’s Neighbor Nettie. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your desire to have your mother spoil your children has nothing to do with actually wanting them to be spoiled. After all, who needs a babysitter who fosters an addictive love of tacky-tube watching, a what-did-you-buy-me-today sense of entitlement or a mouth full of cavities from too many dips into Nana’s candy jar? Wouldn’t you rather your children receive an extension of your own values—a reinforcement of saying “thank you,” healthy snacking and educational TV?

The truth is, if you had a babysitter who behaved the way your mother does, you would say you’d struck gold. So…let’s get Oedipal. Your mother didn’t coddle you or treat you enough, and now you’re reliving all that deprivation through your kids. That’s fair. But what’s done is done, and you’re probably better off for it.

I’ll bet other parents loved having you over for playdates because you were a positive influence on their little Katies and Alexes—who, unlike you, kicked and screamed until they got an Otter Pop for a snack and then insisted on a round of Frogger before doing their homework. I’ll bet you called everyone Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So and walked your plate to the sink after devouring your two deeply appreciated Mallomars. And I’ll wager when your mother picked you up, Mrs. So-and-So said you were “a delight to have over. Anytime.”

There’s also the fact that beggars can’t be choosers. If you’re getting free child care, consider yourself lucky. Not only is Grandma a bargain (and, in your case, no slacker), she probably won’t leave you for a better job offer.

Q: I became great friends with a woman I met at the park when we both had infants. Today, our toddlers just don’t get along. My job doesn’t leave much time for socializing. Is this friendship over?

It’s always awkward when you really like hanging out with someone—you’ve got similar parenting styles and taste in snacks—but your kid keeps bonking her kid on the head. If there’s a war raging between the littles, it’s hard to say, “This was really fun! We should hang out again soon.” Likewise, it’s a sad case when you’ve bonded with someone and all of a sudden the relationship is strained because of your kids—Adam refuses to share his toys with Miles, or Caitlyn greets Georgia by grabbing your pant leg and staring her down for the duration of the playdate. Why can’t the kids just get along—after all, there’s politics to discuss, friends to complain about, other people’s marriages to dissect.

The best way out of this: Plan a night out once a month or so; make it a regular place and time so you aren’t as likely to cancel. Have dinner, see a movie or just go out for coffee—without the kids. If going out at night isn’t an option, include her in something you’d do by yourself anyway, like going to the gym. You could even make a 9:00 p.m. grocery run together. Then try reintroducing the kids when they’ve outgrown the bonking stage. Maybe, say, at band camp.

Sally Schultheiss, a freelance writer who specializes in life and family issues, lives in los angeles with her husband and children eddie, 6, and Jane, 4.