“I have to get all A’s.” “I look terrible in these jeans.” “My drawings suck.” If your grade schooler continually spouts self-deprecating remarks and sets unrealistic goals, she may be plagued by perfectionism. “Children who strive to be perfect tend to feel what they do is never good enough,” says Robyn Silverman, PhD, child development expert and author of Good Girls Don’t Get Fat. They may feel pressured to be perfect based on praise they’ve received or watching a parent or teacher exhibit perfectionist characteristics. But whether due to nature, nurture or both, perfectionism may cause kids to avoid trying and taking risks for fear of not succeeding or making mistakes, Dr. Silverman explains. Perfectionists’ unreasonably high standards and expectations can lead to extreme procrastination and low self-esteem. These kids may also become obsessive about schoolwork or suffer from anxiety and fear of ridicule. Help a perfectionist kid by letting her know that giving her all doesn’t mean having no flaws. Use accessible words of praise: “excellent” rather than “perfect” and “good thinking” rather than “brilliant.” And, says Dr. Silverman, “assure her that it’s possible to do your best, even possible to be the best in your class—but to be perfect is impossible.”

Ease Perfectionism

Dr. Robyn Silverman suggests:

Set realistic goals. It’s fine for your child to improve her skills, but encourage her to go for gradual rather than sweeping improvement, based on her age and development.

Nix comparisons. Don’t expect your youngest child to be just as good at something as her older brother.

Show what’s good enough. Set an “I don’t have to be perfect” example by forgiving yourself out loud when you do something wrong.