Sam Bee discusses life with Piper, 4, Fletcher, 2, and Ripley, 4 months; her job as Most Senior Correspondent on The Daily Show; why her marriage works; and her new book, I Know I Am, but What Are You?

I love the children’s reference in your book title. How did you come up with it?

I’m really so bad at coming up with titles. I don’t know anyone worse at it than I am. When we do field pieces for The Daily Show, we’re supposed to come up with titles, and none of my pun-y suggestions has ever been used. So I solicited my friends and coworkers for ideas. Everyone at the publishing company was beside themselves because we were printing, like, tomorrow. One of the writers at The Daily Show came up with it.

See more photos of Samantha and baby Ripley

Your teen years had some drama, and you write candidly about stealing cars, your mom watching porn, losing your virginity at 15. Did you consider glossing over some of the more embarrassing parts?

I knew I only wanted to write a book if I could completely be myself. When it came to certain sensitive topics, I really didn’t flinch. I am unflinching in those areas in life. I’m not easily ashamed or embarrassed, so it wasn’t difficult for me.

Were you worried about how your family would react?

I knew it wouldn’t embarrass my family. My mother is not shy. She’s very honest about who she is. And we talked about it. I make fun of her in life for all those things, so nothing was a surprise. The one thing that did surprise my family is that I wasn’t on drugs growing up. They were sure I was an addict.

You have wonderful descriptions of your grandmother, who pretty much raised you.

It was important to me to be able to describe who my grandmother was—even though I was poking fun at her. I loved her so much.

Parts of your childhood seem difficult—your parents divorcing, your shyness. Yet your book is so funny. Did the humor come with distance as an adult?

It wasn’t a tragic upbringing. There were fairly common perplexing family issues going on. Yes, I was in agony. I was an angst-y kid. But one constant is that there was never a time when I didn’t feel totally loved. I wasn’t neglected. There was always this undercurrent that my parents and grandmother loved me completely. I wasn’t alone or adrift. That love went a long way. And I knew everyone was doing the best job they could even when it wasn’t that great. It’s kind of what we’re all doing—the best that we can.

You shuttled between your parents’ homes and your grandmother’s until you were 8, when you moved in with your mom. How did that come about?

It was court determined. The whole family went to court, and it was decided that I couldn’t live with my grandmother because I had two willing parents. It was terrible. I was forced to choose one of my parents when what I really wanted to do was continue living with my grandmother. My father had just gotten married, and he felt he could provide me with a stable home. So he was seeking custody after having seen me on weekends only. He was very responsible about keeping up with the visits, but I didn’t see him enough to want to be with him full-time. And he and my grandmother didn’t like each other. When it came down to it, I idolized my mother. So I said I’d live with my mom. She was more than willing to take me on, but I cramped her style. I still spent a lot of time with my grandmother, since she was the secretary at the school I attended. I still slept at her house several times a week, so I was basically kind of still being raised by her.

You started writing this book after your second child, Fletcher, was born. How did you find the time?

The timing was right for me mentally. I didn’t have a writing schedule. I’d see what I could accomplish each day. Can I write a segment of this story? And I’d try not to get too depressed if it wasn’t possible. I’d let it go and tell myself there will be another day. But basically, I tucked in the writing when I found time. I’d write at night. Or I’d write on my laptop while I was nursing. My husband [Jason Jones, also on The Daily Show] would block out time so I could write on the weekends. I wrote the book in fragments and sent in the material as I wrote it, so I was constantly being edited. It was an ongoing process for a year.

You and your husband have been married for ten years, but you write that there has never been a successful, happy marriage in your family—everyone has been painfully Divorced at least once. How have you and Jason broken that tradition?

Though nobody in my family stayed married, luckily Jason’s family doesn’t have this history. That drove me to want to create a different legacy. I thought about it before we got married, but only in context of trying to create a new personal story. I think Jason and his family thought about it—marrying me probably seemed a little dangerous to them.

You and Jason met when you both performed in a stage production of the children’s franchise Sailor Moon, and you married four years later. What do you remember about the first time you met him?

He was such a jerk. He wore mirrored sunglasses. There was no instant spark. We didn’t even have a conversation for six months. I thought he was a jerk; he thought I was bitchy. We had nothing to talk about until we were trapped together on a flight. We discovered we liked the same things. Then I started giving him rides to our gigs. It was a slow process of getting to know each other.

Jason has been working on The Daily Show since 2005. What’s it like working together?

We worked together in Canada before we got married. And we’ve done movies together. We see our current situation as a very fortunate set of circumstances. We’re not doing exactly the same thing every day. We’re always together. We even share an office at work—although he does wear noise-canceling headphones at work. That’s right, he’s canceling me out. I don’t blame him. I’m always throwing pencils to get his attention.

You’ve said you and Jason are perfectly matched—in what ways?

We don’t do too much soul searching about it. We really love each other. We have the same values family-wise. We share a parenting style. It all feels very natural. There’s nothing magical about it. We love each other and communicate that a lot. We think about things like loyalty and family ties—and stress that to our kids. In many branches of my family, especially on my mother’s side, there are broken loyalties, rivalries and people not speaking within the family. There’s lots of ugliness. I can’t really control all that, but I’m doing my very best for that not to be the future of this family. We constantly emphasize our love—we speak of it all the time.

Is there any area where it’s hard for  you and your husband to reach compromises?

Real estate is the only area. I am panicked about money and things like our future: our future finances, how we’ll pay our health premiums when we’re 80. Jason doesn’t lose sleep over these concerns. When we bought our house in Canada, I totally panicked. I wanted the first one we saw. He had to talk me down from the ledge. But he was right—the bathroom was so small he could barely stand in it. I thought we’d never find anything decent. It’s the only time we had a genuine fight.

You lived together in a small one-bedroom apartment in New York City until recently, right?

We’d bought a one-bedroom condo at the height of the bubble, and we put it on the market when we found out I was pregnant with our third child. Now we’re happily spread out in a larger place we’re renting. We made it work in the one-bedroom. But when we moved into this larger place, we collectively breathed a psychic sigh of relief. I could feel something was different when we could all spread out.

You have three kids under age 4. How do you make it work?

I’m so fortunate to have Jason. He’s a partner in every sense of the word. We’re in this together, and I feel that every day—that’s the first blessing. The second is to have great jobs. The Daily Show is family-centric. Lots of people have kids. Our hours are very intense some days and other times very light. And the show is super accommodating. Recently Fletcher, our 2-year-old, started a preschool program and was having trouble separating. Jason was able to spend the whole time with him.

What kind of support do you have caring for the kids?

We have a babysitter four days a week. We love and trust her, and our kids love her. If she left, we’d die. We’re always thinking of ways to make her happier. We also fly our families in from Canada to help out: my mom, my stepmom, Jason’s mom or sister. We definitely ask them for help, and they’re very willing.

How do Piper and Fletcher get along with their new baby sister?

Piper has been much more welcoming than when Fletcher came home and she scratched his face. They’re petting her and kissing her. Piper commands the attention she needs from us, so she’s not suffering. She likes being big sister. She feels she’s an important leader in the family.

How do you handle the uncertainty of the actor’s life?

Sometimes I’ve worked and Jason hasn’t. Sometimes he’s worked and I haven’t. We’re fine with that. When we started considering having kids, Jason wasn’t on The Daily Show yet, and we talked about him being a stay-at-home dad. We know our roles can keep shifting.

Baby Ripley seems to be very serene. What’s your secret?

We’re actually sleeping a lot—I know it’s annoying. What helps us enormously is cosleeping. Our two older kids have their own room, and we cosleep with Ripley. That way I don’t even have to get up. I roll over like a sow and breastfeed in bed. Jason doesn’t even wake up. We’ve done this with all our kids. It’s worked for us because we’re not sleep deprived and have energy to go about our day.

Have you taken maternity leave?

The Daily Show has been free-flowing with maternity leave. I’m taking longer now than I have in the past. With Piper I took 14 weeks. With Fletcher it was seven weeks because I wanted to go to the Democratic National Convention. I brought the whole family. They were incredibly accommodating and let me dictate my own work schedule. I realize how rare this is.

What’s your parenting style?

Neither of us is a disciplinarian. There’s no “bad cop” in the household. We’re very laid-back. We tend to think about things in stark terms. If it’s not life-threatening, we let the kids do it. But there are some nonnegotiables, like buckling the straps in your car seats and holding hands when you cross the street or we don’t move forward. But we’re basically pretty laissez-faire.

Since you’re in the business, is TV allowed for the kids?

TV is allowed 100 percent. I let them watch Sesame Street and The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That. We watch movies like WALL-E. We were really careful about TV with Piper. Then as soon as we had a second child, we realized it was time to introduce it into our home.

What do you adults enjoy watching?

Last Sunday night all we wanted to do was crawl into bed and watch Dexter. We also watch 60 Minutes. Jason loves football on Sundays and Mondays. I love The Big C.

What’s the best part of being a working mom?

Work allows you to have away time, adult time, which can be energizing creatively. It can be interesting for your children to see you out in the world. Ultimately you have this great unit you have to come back to. I feel it’s the best of both worlds—getting to be very creative and getting to be the matriarch of this family unit. Being the mother is my favorite part. It’s a unique privilege to get to do both.

Samantha’s Happy Marriage Tips

Talk constantly. It really helps to talk a lot, and we prefer to talk when we go out for monster-long walks around the city. It makes it easier to air out things if we’re feeling angry or frustrated. Walking and talking helps us clear our heads.

Avoid verbal attacks. We don’t disparage each other in public or private. we both try not to use attack language. Many couples call each other names. If you say it enough, the other person believes it or believes you see him that way. We work very hard not to say things we don’t mean.

Agree on the big things. It’s a good idea to decide before you get married about whether you both want to have kids. We got married in a unitarian church and were required to discuss how we felt about kids, how we’d cope if one of us earned more. It opened up conversations.