Just when you think you’ve mastered this working-parent thing, your child turns into a tween. Too many restrictions and you risk rebellion; too loose and soon you have a teen gone wild. What’s the answer? Not surprisingly, kids have an opinion about this—and it’s pretty revealing.

Adolescents are more positive about behavioral control like setting limits and structure (curfews and bedtime), which helps them manage themselves, than manipulative psychological control, which makes them feel guilty or inferior, according to recent research in the journal Child Development. And kids are negative about both when laid on too thick.
 
This kid thinking is smart, suggests Lauree Tilton-Weaver, PhD, coauthor of the study. “It is believed that moderate behavioral control helps children and adolescents learn to self-regulate and reduces problems like disobeying parents, drinking, drug use and stealing,” she says. Psychological control (“You’re not smart enough to handle it”), however, may interfere with kids’ feelings of self-control and result in problems like depression and anxiety. But go too far even with behavioral control by, say, choosing a child’s friends or clothes, and kids will see this as intrusive and hurtful—that you don’t care about their thoughts and feelings.
 
Kids need rules and structure to be safe as they thrive. But the lesson here, suggests Dr. Tilton-Weaver, is that mentally manipulative control or too much behavioral restriction may both backfire.   

Setting Limits
To maintain boundaries kids will  follow and respect, says Dr. Lauree Tilton-Weaver:

Relate and show compassion. When you recognize your child’s individuality and what you share,  he’ll see the love behind the rules.

Be open to compromise. Negotiate with your child about rules and how they’re implemented. You’ll show him you believe he’s competent and his feelings and needs are important. Plus, he’s more likely to be compliant even when he feels restricted. 

Aim for consistency. Stick to your guns, and your child will have less to argue about. He can’t say, “That’s not what you said last time,” and is less likely to retort, “But Alex’s dad lets him do it.”

Focus Facts
From peer pressure and sexual urges to academics and extracurriculars, teenagers have a lot to think about—maybe too much. New research shows that teen and young adult brains are more like those of young kids than mature adults when it comes to problem solving and concentrating.

The teenage brain has to work harder than the adult brain, says Iroise Dumontheil, PhD, coauthor of a recent UK brain study comparing kids and grownups. “They can concentrate, but it  appears their brains take longer to switch between focusing on their environment and the thoughts in their head,” she explains. Yet we expect them to handle heavy thinking loads the way an adult would.

Dr. Dumontheil suggests discussing brain development so your teen is aware she may be more suscep-tible to interruptions than she thinks. And limit her use of music players, TV and other distractions that might impair study concentration.