With sleeves rolled up, three phones in hand and high heels clicking, Stephanie Ruhle Hubbard navigates the testosterone- infused credit-trading floor with an easy confidence. As she manages the complex needs of her clients, she calls the competitive environment “intoxicating.” Her Deutsche Bank colleagues use words like driven, strategic and prepared to describe her. But the day Stephanie picked up her 3-year-old son, Harrison, on his last day of preschool, the steeled pro was powerless against a torrent of tears. Not her son’s—her own.

“I was overwhelmed with sadness,” says Stephanie, 33, whose other son, 7-month-old Reese, is cared for by a nanny at home. “I wondered, Did I miss too many drop-offs and pickups? Harry was just a baby when he started that class, and now he’s tying his own shoes.” In need of some perspective, Stephanie called her big sister, Stacey, a full-time stay-at-home mom who is a trained architect. “Am I making a huge mistake going to work every day?” she asked. “Am I missing everything?” 

“The heartbreak that’s hitting you isn’t about working or not working,” said her sister. “It’s about how quickly our kids grow up. But time doesn’t go any slower if you’re home with them.”

The conversation stuck with Stephanie. “The focus should be on sharing whatever time we can with our families,” she says. “That’s where I want to put my energy, rather than dwelling on the time apart.” 

Stephanie appreciates her sister’s advice now, but growing up in Park Ridge, NJ, she didn’t always take it. Stephanie had her mind made up from an early age. “When I was five, I knew I wanted to win,” she says. “It didn’t matter what it was, I had an innate desire to be the best.” This no-holds-barred ambition led to frequent challenges with her stay-at-home mother and her father, the owner of a mechanical engineering company. “Stephanie was forever rocking the household,” Stacey says. “I remember her lecturing me when I was fourteen, and she was nine, that I wasn’t doing enough to forge the way for her adventures. I was following the rules too closely and making her look like a rebel.” 

While willing to admit that the new surveillance and the difficult financial markets have made her work more stressful, Stephanie’s not willing to moan about it. “I make a concerted effort to be positive,” she says. “It’s a complete waste to get weighed down in negativity when times get tough. Stress can be crippling, so I try not to get caught up in it.”

Instead, she focuses on being a top producer. “The clients I work with are very sophisticated, and now they’re under intense scrutiny, so they need to feel they can trust me,” she says. “I don’t always know the answer, but I can deliver it. I have the contacts. I introduce them to resources that can solve their problems.” Indeed, her mentor, Donna Milrod, deputy CEO of Deutsche Bank Americas, describes Stephanie above all as a connector: “She puts people together, and people want to be around her.” 

Stephanie’s expert matchmaking is strategic, as was her choice to specialize in derivatives. “I’m able to be one of the most experienced players with derivatives because they haven’t been around that long,” she says. “There can’t be an old boys’ network at a new game.” She began her career in 1997 at Credit Suisse, where she was the highest-producing credit derivatives salesperson in the country. She joined Deutsche Bank in 2003 because she was “ready to jump into a bigger, deeper pool.” Her boss, John Karabelas, managing director of credit sales at Deutsche Bank, says she always gives 100 percent. “Stephanie is very aggressive by nature, and she channels it in a very positive way as a businesswoman,” he says. A colleague, Danielle Pluthero, seconds that, saying, “Stephanie is a competitive force to be reckoned with.” 

Stephanie met her future husband, Andy, when they were in the same global training program at Credit Suisse. A heated competition with only a single day to prepare a sales pitch ended with two winners—Stephanie and Andy. “He was all facts and figures, very rational,” she recalls. “I was all dazzle, sizzle and sales tactics.” Though they didn’t start dating for a couple of years, she’d made an impression on Andy, who today heads up U.S. structured credit derivatives trading at Credit Suisse. “Her exuberant personality just lit up the room,” he says. “I was struck by her enthusiasm for life and her incredible energy at work.” 

Their styles may differ, but they share ambition and the same vocation, something that has its pluses and minuses. “It’s good that we’re in the same business because we understand the problems the other is going through and can offer advice and other perspectives,” Andy says. “But it’s very easy for highly motivated people to become consumed by their jobs. So we do make a conscious effort to have the weekends be all about the family and to leave our jobs behind.” 

Having a good time comes easily to Stephanie. “She’s famous for being fun—at all costs—and she’ll do anything for a laugh!” says Stacey. “Stephanie will run all over town to find her nieces the perfect pink metallic ballet flats for a dance, or spend a Saturday afternoon buying iTunes to create a dance mix CD for them.”

But to her surprise, though she had an experienced nanny in place and supportive family nearby, Stephanie was in a panic over returning to work after a three-month leave. “I knew I wanted a more flexible work schedule,” she says, “but I was like a scared little girl. It just didn’t add up. Here I was, a woman who spent thirty years pushing every envelope, challenging everything, and I was afraid to approach my boss about a flexible schedule.” When she did muster the courage to ask for a four-day workweek, she was well received. 

As a result, Stephanie feels tremendous loyalty to Deutsche Bank. Still, her internal struggles continue. “I see that my husband’s balance is easier to achieve because his place in the world as a man is widely accepted,” she says. “He’s allowed to work fifteen-hour days, entertain clients at night and have few responsibilities at home. The traditional family dynamic saw no issue with fathers and husbands putting work first. But this is completely unacceptable for women, hence our dilemma.” With more women taking on demanding careers, Stephanie has lots of questions: “Who will be the wife? Who will be the mother? Are we forced to neglect our families?” Acknowledging that every mom makes trade-offs, Stephanie believes many fail to make themselves a priority. “I hate it when I hear some great working moms say they know they’ll never be the best mom,” Stephanie says. “The best mom is a happy mom. It’s not about martyring yourself. You don’t need to change ten diapers a day to be an excellent parent.” 

For Stephanie, being a good mom is about memory-making: She and her kids love to dance with the music blasting, she relishes preparing dinner with her 3-year-old, and she allows Harrison and Reese to stay up a little later than many kids their age so they can spend more time with their mom and dad. On the weekends, the family escapes to their house on Long Beach Island, where they kick back, eat great food and enjoy downtime. All these things, she believes, will ultimately be more important to her children than who made their beds when they were little.