“She got more ice cream than I did!” “He took my American Girl doll!” “I hate him!” After a roller-coaster workday, the last thing you want to hear is the kids’ bickering. You try to calm them, ask them to play nice, suggest they share and behave like humans. Still they fight—nearly every night. And every evening you hit the pillow exhausted, dreaming of sibling serenity.

“Sibling relationships can be very frustrating and volatile,” says Laurie Kramer, PhD, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. School-age kids are especially possessive of friends and belongings and can be reluctant to share them with siblings, which often results in bickering and insults. But a new program based on Dr. Kramer’s research is helping tame sibling troubles by giving kids tools to better understand their feelings and calm themselves before they react and giving parents tools to help kids problem-solve and manage conflict.

The program, called More Fun with Sisters and Brothers, teaches children to identify emotions and speak about them specifically. So instead of saying “I hate my brother” (which likely isn’t true), a child learns to pinpoint and then express what’s really bothering her: “I’m mad that I can’t play with Johnny’s race car” or “I wish I could go bowling with him and his friends.” To help your child focus on her real feelings, ask if perhaps she’s feeling frustrated or disappointed. 

“These are common emotions kids may not identify on their own—and much more manageable than anger or hate,” says Dr. Kramer. “If they can label these milder negative feelings, it becomes easier to discuss conflicts without fighting.” To keep the peace, you may want to jump in and end disputes. But authoritarian or control strategies—threatening a consequence or separating them (“Go to your rooms!”)­–tend to spark even more conflict, according to Dr. Kramer’s research. Instead, try collaborative problem-solving. If your kids are fighting over a green crayon, you might ask why each wants it and what would be a fair solution. When encouraged to problem-solve (maybe with a little assistance from you, depending on their age and maturity level), they’ll often come up with solutions like taking turns or breaking the crayon in half. When you work this way, they’re better equipped to end battles on their own as they grow.

If their squabbling is driving you nuts, at least have your kids stop, think and talk, suggests Dr. Kramer—which might just work on the job, too.