Your life feels a lot like Bill Murray’s in Groundhog Day—work, cook, bathtime, bedtime, sleep, wake up the next day…repeat. One thing that would ease the repetition: if that preschooler of yours would just listen. At bathtime it’s “Let’s not splash,” but he does. At bedtime it’s “Time to stop talking,” but he doesn’t. At laundry time it’s “Can you throw your clothes in the hamper?” but he won’t.

Though it may not seem like it, your child probably is listening. He’s just not reacting as you expect—for good reason, according to a recent study from the University of Colorado at Boulder. Preschoolers do listen and store the information, but unlike older kids and adults, they aren’t yet able to anticipate the future and then do things relating to it. Instead, they call up the stored info when they need it, says Yuko Munakata, PhD, a professor of psychology and senior author of the study. It’s the way their minds work at this age.

For example, tell a third grader to grab his coat before heading outside in the snow and he’ll probably do it. But a 3-year-old is more likely to store what you say and use it reactively after he goes outside and then feels cold, explains Dr. Munakata. Preschoolers are less likely to foresee the outcome and more likely to address consequences when they come. So “do this” repetition may not be the best way to teach a young child what you want in terms of advance preparation. “It probably works better to trigger your child’s reactive senses by highlighting the outcomes he can expect,” says Dr. Munakata. For example, you could say, “If you don’t put your coat on before you go outside, you’ll probably shiver with cold when you’re playing. So remember you can get your coat then.” This kind of information may be more effective in getting your child to do something. 

Remembering that little kids’ minds work differently than ours can help us be more patient, suggests Dr. Munakata. Most likely your child is not willfully ignoring you or doing the opposite of what you say. And while it may be good to play to this idea of your child storing and then retrieving info, the long-term impacts are not clear. “We also don’t want to discourage children from learning to do things quickly,” Dr. Munakata adds. So you may want to find another way to get him to put his clothes in the hamper—maybe a big sign with a crumpled shirt and an arrow?

 
What You Can Do

To help your child listen better, try these tactics from Dr. Yuko Munakata. Find the Fun. Make a game of cleaning up toys or eating vegetables. Little kids will do most anything if it’s entertaining. Go Another Route. If telling your child to say “please” and “thank you” isn’t paying off, try a different tack, like asking, “What’s the magic word?” Ease Your Way In. Break a request down into two or three steps, such as “First come in the door, then take off your shoes.” If you give steps to get your child closer to a result, he can then practice and form the habit.