You’re responding to emails at work, but your mind is on this morning’s peek-a-boo game. Even in your sleep-deprived haze, you just can’t wait for those blissful moments with your baby. But while you’re cooing and cuddling, your husband is hovering in the background. He looks, well, lost. You know he’s excited about this baby, so why isn’t he bonding? And P.S.: You could use a bit more help. 

While some dads jump right into caregiving, others waver about what to do and how to act. “Maybe their own dads didn’t model an easy connection to their young children, or perhaps your guy just feels clueless about parenting a new baby,” says fatherhood and parenting researcher Jacinta Bronte-Tinkew, PhD, program area director at the Washington, DC–based nonprofit research center Child Trends. “Becoming a father is supposed to be a magical moment, but for many men it’s more like shock.”

What’s more, lots of guys just don’t seek help (when’s the last time yours asked for directions?), even with something as crucial as connecting to their child. So you may need to step in—gently. Encourage him to hold and rock the baby. Let him see you play patty-cake and footsie, then say, “Your turn.” As you do, mention what his interaction means to the baby: Research suggests that dads who offer affection and physical attention, especially during the first two years, may have a positive effect on their kids’ social, emotional and intellectual development, says Dr. Bronte-Tinkew. 

When he does make the effort, be sure you don’t criticize or correct (unless there’s a life-threatening problem). “Toning down the mother-as-gatekeeper tendency and being supportive can benefit your child and your relationship,” notes Dr. Bronte-Tinkew. Help your guy find a specialty, which will go a long way in boosting his confidence, adds Paul Banas, founder and CEO of GreatDad.com. “Let him be the expert in formula preparation or picking out baby books,” he suggests. “The more you do and say to make Dad feel he has a natural role in parenting your baby, the more he’ll do.”

And keep up the compliments. Sharing that you think he’s an adorable dad may help him feel more comfortable as he engages with the baby. Have fun with it: “Tell him how hot he looks when he’s wearing a baby carrier,” says Banas. “What guy doesn’t like extra attention, even if it’s due to child care?” And if compliments turn into a turn-on, enjoy the fringe benefits.

Hands-on Dad

A few more ways to encourage him to bond, from Great Dad.com’s Paul Banas:

CONNECT THROUGH CONSTRUCTION. Lots of guys like to build things, so hand Dad some blocks and have him show your baby how to make a tower—and knock it over, too.

APPEAL TO HIS GADGET SIDE. Babies are a great reason to buy and use cameras, baby monitors and other tech tools. Let him know his geeky groove is good for the family.

GET HIM TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Babies are only babies once and change daily. Remind Dad that he wouldn’t want to miss moments that will never happen again.