As more working moms bring home fatter paychecks than their partners, couples are discovering an uneasy shift in traditional roles.

When Gina Weaver’s son, Sam, was born, she and her husband, Eric, decided that he’d wait to return to work until their child started school full-time. Seven years later, Gina continues to support her family on her social worker’s salary. “Our original plan was that my husband would return to work, but that hasn’t happened, mostly because he hasn’t seemed too interested. It’s also because our son has Asperger syndrome, and we don’t feel he could handle afterschool care,” Gina says.

For a host of reasons, an increasing number of working moms today, like Gina, are outearning their spouses—in fact, many are also the family’s sole breadwinner. In 1987, just under one fifth of wives earned more than their husbands, compared with about one fourth in 2006, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. But if you compare wives to all husbands, including those who don’t work, about one third of wives earned more than their husbands in 2006. And for the first time in history, in terms of numbers, women are closing in on men in the workforce. This is because in the current recession, a higher percentage of men are out of work than women. “We’re seeing an upward trend in women who earn more than their husbands,” says Veronica Tichenor, an assistant professor of sociology at SUNY Institute of Technology. “All evidence suggests the current economic downturn will accelerate that trend.”

For Gina, “it’s a lot of pressure,” she says. “It’s not an issue in our relationship, but I do find it frustrating that my husband doesn’t do more at home, chore- and food-wise.” Studies are now showing what Gina and many other working moms know to be true: Employed women typically devote much more time to child care and housework than employed men do.

According to recent data from the government’s American Time Use Survey, analyzed by economists Alan B. Krueger and Andreas Mueller, when women are looking for a job, they spend twice as much time taking care of their children each day as employed women do. By contrast, unemployed men’s childcare duties are virtually identical to those of their working counterparts, and they tend to spend more time sleeping and watching TV.

The bottom line for working mothers? More stress. “You have to take care of yourself,” says Theresa Krueg, a senior financial advisor and vice president of WealthTrust-Arizona in Chandler, AZ. “We are a never-ending faucet to support everyone else.”

Because of the many challenges in our path, we asked experts for advice on how families can better manage their evolving roles and keep the peace at home. Self-worth doesn’t equal salary If couples buy into the idea that pay equals status, they’re in trouble, says Margaret Heffernan, author of The Naked Truth: A Working Woman’s Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters. “A paycheck tells you nothing about a person, only about the industry they work in,” she says. “Anyone who believes their salary equals their worth is wrongheaded.”

Appreciate Their Contribution

It can be difficult for a husband to watch his wife go to work while he stays home, says Tichenor: “He can feel like he’s not a real man.” Working women need to remind their husbands who are unemployed that they value all that the men do around the house and the emotional care they give the family, she says. By the same token, men need to tell their working wives that they know how hard it is for moms to be away from their kids and how much they appreciate the sacrifice they’re making. “It’s an opportunity to value and reassure each other,” Tichenor says. “It’s also an opportunity to unlearn cultural patterns and expectations that don’t fit us anymore.”

Recognize You’re Pioneers

As a culture, we hold on to traditional expectations: Good mothers spend a lot of their time with their kids, and good dads provide financially for their families, says Tichenor. She believes couples are not arguing about money these days as much as they’re arguing about the cultural expectations of who should be earning it. Times are changing, and we shouldn’t judge ourselves by old standards, she says. “We need to give ourselves permission to stumble and feel discomfort that we’re not being a mom like our own mom was or a dad like our own dad was, and that’s okay.”

This is the time to remember that for better or for worse, whether the economy is in an upswing or a downturn— you’re in it together, and you’ll get through it together.

Look at your contributions to your family as a whole (financial, emotional, household, etc.). It’s unfair to measure your contribution to the family by the amount you contribute to the bank account. Julie Teahan, health-care director, McLean, VA

We make big financial decisions together. Even though I earn more, if I want to buy something that’s on the expensive side, I do a reality check with him, and he does the same in return. Elizabeth Yano, health-services research scientist and professor, Los Angeles, CA

More important than physical compatibility is fiscal compatibility. Marcia Rhodes, PR manager, Scottsdale, AZ 

Economic uncertainty takes a toll and needs to be acknowledged. Risa Greendlinger, elder-care marketing consultant, Needham, MA