My Working Mother colleague Sheri ArbitalJacoby and her husband have been doing it for years. No, not that. I’m talking about tag-team parenting—an often intricate dance of one parent picking up where the other leaves off when it comes to child care and managing the kids’ needs.

Sheri, our managing editor, and husband Jerry, a freelance music teacher who has to schedule lessons when he can, have worked out a system in which he gives their two school-age children breakfast and gets them on the school bus while she is on the train to work; then she takes over at 6:30 p.m. for the rest of the evening, hours when he usually gives private lessons. In between, a part-time babysitter picks up the kids from school and takes them home or to lessons when Jerry isn’t able to, sometimes getting dinner on the table if Sheri’s running late. As for weekends: “They’re usually about getting chores done, which doesn’t leave much time for fun, even though we try to carve out family time,” says Sheri. Which leaves little to no couple time. “We go out on a date maybe six times a year,” she admits. “There just doesn’t seem to be much quality time for the two of us. And our relationship is suffering. It’s the business of life—but not of enjoying each other.”

Tag-team parenting isn’t a new phenomenon—many couples have been doing it in some form or other since moms entered the workforce. There are as many reasons for it as there are family situations, from not wanting to hand the kids over to a hired caregiver to lack of funds for hiring such care to working shift times when child care isn’t available to having a child with special needs who requires constant parental attention, and more. Moms may work because they want to, but many families need that income. Harriet B. Presser, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland, estimates that in nearly 60 percent of dual-earner couples with kids younger than five at least one parent works evenings, nights and/or weekends. Recent data suggests that at least a third of dual-income parents tag-team to manage work-life responsibilities, which stretches parents pretty thin and leaves little, if any, couple time.

Then there’s the current economic downturn. People who’ve been laid off may attempt to freelance or find lower-paying jobs to bring some money in. Some have had hours and salaries cut back. Many have lost savings as stock and mutual fund values have plummeted. If paying for quality child care was once an option, it may not be any more.

This recession is perhaps creating a new generation of tag-team parents, and with it perhaps a new set of rules. “Family economics today drive us to consciously think about how both partners can balance work and family, not just one,” says Rosanna Hertz, PhD (rosannahertz.com), a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wellesley College in Massachusetts and co-editor of Working Families: The Transformation of the American Home. It means that both members of a two-career couple have to be sensitive to the career demands as well as the emotional needs of their partner. And both need to step up to the plate equitably where parenting is concerned.

Nurturing Careers—and Each Other

It goes without saying that the kids are the priority for tag-team parents (indeed, for most any parent). But partners also need to be mindful of each other’s work and what should take priority, when. “My husband travels a lot, but I have important conferences to go to throughout the year,” says Hertz. “So I give him those dates so he doesn’t travel at those times. We have a rule that at least one parent has to be in the state at any given time.” If you don’t have advanced notice, then you have to decide whose work meeting needs to take priority—how senior is the person you need to meet with and how important is the meeting. “Is this a dinner I can get out of? Could I just stop in for cocktails and not be missed later?”

Working Mother talks a lot about discussing work/family balance challenges with a sympathetic boss. But, says, Hertz, this may not be the time to do that. “People are so stressed about possibly losing their jobs that its hard to talk to bosses about these issues right now. You might have done this prior to the last six months of this economy, but now….” Instead, you have to be highly organized about your work and life, and you and your partner need to understand and accept the importance of each other’s work as well as the importance of family. “This is new, because both partners must realize each other’s financial contribution to the family, no matter who makes more. And both have to compromise,” says Hertz.

So as you tag-team, anytime you can use technology to make yourself available to your job as you cheer on your child’s soccer game or grocery shop or car pool, do it, Hertz advises. “BlackBerrys and cell phones and computers are a way around face time. Use them to your advantage so you can attend to your family and your work. We’ve gotten good at this. It may not be a great thing, but in this economy it’s necessary.”           

Does this all mean that couple time a thing of the past? It shouldn’t be, says Hertz. Unless you’re in really dire straits, you need to figure out how to go out on dates—which don’t need to cost much: “Arrange to leave the kids with a neighbor and take a walk together, or have a picnic, or go to a free concert in the summer,” Hertz suggests. You can also swap child care with parent friends from your preschool class: “I’ll take your kids tonight if you take mine Thursday.” Then go for a glass of wine or ice cream. It doesn’t need to be expensive to feel like quality time.

“We have to get this back,” reminds Hertz. “Stress levels are so high these days that we have to take time to recharge ourselves and our relationships with date nights and things”—hopefully more than six times a year. Got that, Sheri and Jerry?