Your grade schooler is practicing his free throws in the dining room—again—and your chandelier is the hoop. You say: “How many times have I told you, no ball playing in the house? Please put the ball away.” He says: nothing, as he bounces the ball. You sigh, as your husband strolls in and no sooner gives your child “the look” than the ball is put away. So it goes, despite your best efforts at discipline. 

Kids can be clever at switching their behavior depending on which parent they’re dealing with. “They become less cooperative when their parents aren’t in sync and don’t share a model of cooperation between them,” says family therapist Jane Nelsen, EdD, a coauthor of the bestselling Positive Discipline series of books. Even so, she adds, nobody ever said parents have to think and be exactly alike. One may be a bit of a softie, the other stricter. That’s okay, as long as you can agree to disagree at times, then come up with discipline rules and solutions you both can act upon with your child without trying to be someone you’re not. 

Kids learn easily that Mom may do things one way and Dad another. That’s not the issue, says Dr. Nelsen. The problem comes when one parent overcompensates for what he or she perceives as the other’s shortcomings or when a child is able to pit one parent against the other. But when you both show that you value each other’s differences, you can unite in discipline that your child will respect. 

You’ll be more effective if you both agree to be firm and kind, Dr. Nelsen asserts. Resorting to “I’ll show you” or “Do it or else” tactics will only cause rebellion. Instead, aim for respect along with cooperation. Establish clear ground rules (no ball playing inside) that come with clear consequences (you give up your basketball for a week) if they’re not followed. When the rules don’t work, have a family meeting to find respectful solutions that work for everyone. This way you can, without nagging, maintain your child’s respect and love and promote feelings of closeness and trust.

If your child is fuming because you insist that he has to hit the books before he hits the TV button, validate his feelings but stick to your word: “I can see that you’re really upset, and I love you. But the answer is no.”

Still struggling to gain discipline respect? Don’t go it alone. Ask for your partner’s support and reaffirm unity. Having trouble sticking together? “It’s the best scenario, but it’s not an absolute,” insists Dr. Nelsen. “Parents first and foremost need to model respect for each other.” Then go out and shoot some hoops together.