When it comes to dealing with those sticky gender-related things kids say and do, parents need to be honest about their own feelings, says renowned gender researcher Phyllis A. Katz, PhD, founder of the Institute for Research on Social Problems and in clinical private practice in New York City. “If you’re uncomfortable, it’s okay to say no,” she assures us. Here, her specific advice.

Your 3-year-old girl insists that she will never wear a dress, not even to parties.

Don’t say: “You have to wear a dress. It’s what girls are supposed to do.”

Do say: “Why is that? That’s okay for now. But it’s okay to change your mind later.”

Your 4-year-old son says he must have that hot pink jacket (even though it’s “for girls”).

Don’t say: “I won’t buy you that because it’ll make you look like a girl.”

Do say: Based on how you feel about the situation, “Okay,” or “I don’t like it. Let’s find something else.”

Your first-grade son comes home from school and asserts, “Ballet is for girls.”

Don’t say: “You got that right. And baseball is for boys.”

Do say: “Ballet is not just for girls. They need strong boys to lift them. Where did you get that idea?”

Your third-grade daughter says, “I hate math, and girls aren’t good at math anyway.”

Don’t say: “That’s okay, lots of girls aren’t good at math.”

Do say: “Lots of girls are good at math. When things are hard for you, you need to put in more effort.”