Between “Pass the salad” and “How was your day?” somehow the dinner conversation veered terribly off track. He muttered something about money, you countered with a bit of sarcasm, and the whole thing blew up, complete with name-calling— while your child watched.

We all argue sometimes, and while we don’t mean to expose our kids to fights, it can happen before we realize what hit us. Then it hits our grade schoolers, too, in places you might not expect. Kids who worry about how their parents get along are prone to problems such as attention difficulties in school, according to a new study from the University of Rochester.

“We’ve long known that worrying about parents’ conflicts impacts children in terms of depression and aggression,” says Patrick Davies, PhD, a professor of psychology and the lead study author. “But now we see that it affects paying attention in school.” Not only can this negatively impact academics, it can also hinder general behavior, relationships with school peers and cooperation in class activities.

And it appears that the greater the furor in parents’ fights, the worse the child’s anxiety and school problems. “When he sees his parents argue a lot, a child may worry about what’s going to happen to him, how his parents will treat him and that they may split up,” he adds. Dr. Davies isn’t suggesting we never argue in front of our children. But when it includes high levels of anger, insults, cursing and/or verbal aggression, it’s clearly not healthy for kids. So parents need to develop strategies to limit argument escalation and kids’ exposure to it. (If verbal abuse is present in arguments, consider seeking professional help and, if warranted, contacting an organization such as the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, ncadv.org, 800-799-SAFE.)

If you realize an argument is brewing, move out of your child’s view and earshot, says Dr. Davies. But then say your piece, because holding it all in isn’t healthy, either. “When parents are indifferent to conflict or disengage or practice the silent treatment, it can affect a child as badly as open hostility, because kids pick up on cues and clues,” he explains. Then the child may become even more distressed because he knows something’s going on but can’t pinpoint what.

When you do argue in front of your child, try to control anger with the goal of resolving the disagreement, and afterward assure him that things are okay. This isn’t easy, but if you and your husband both try, and then agree to disagree if necessary, it can be healthy for all of you. “It’s good to show some mild anger and conflict in front of your child once in a while,” says Dr. Davies. “It can help him develop coping strategies to deal with mild levels of stress and learn to approach conflicts constructively.” Now that’s worth fighting for.

Argument Aftermath

If your child is distressed by a spat:

Go behind closed doors. See if you and your husband can resolve the fight, then come out with a happier face. Your child will immediately feel better.

Act normal afterward. When the after-period is normal and peaceful, kids pick up on the good behavior.

Talk about it. Once things are settled, give your child a brief explanation about the problem and why parents disagree. Then say, “Everything is okay now, and Daddy and I are fine.”