There she is, in front of the mirror…again. Your teenager is holed up in the bathroom completing a daily beauty regimen that makes even Paris Hilton look low-maintenance. She wants to look good, to be liked, to be popular—that’s clear. You certainly don’t want to be a buzzkill, but the designer labels, the endless texting, the MySpace obsessing—is all this really necessary? If it makes her feel that she fits in, the answer may be yes (at least to a degree), according to a recent study conducted by the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. Certainly, popularity equals success in the eyes of many kids. But this study found that teens who feel good about themselves and their relationships with peers are likely to be socially successful going forward—whether or not they’re actually popular. “Teens who aren’t popular may still be regarded highly by friends over time if they maintain a positive sense of their social acceptance,” says lead study author and psychology associate Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, PhD. “It’s not that these kids are deluded or mistaken about their social status—they just see themselves as fitting in, and that bolsters their self-esteem.” So your child doesn’t have to hang with the “cool kids” to feel good about herself. There are lots of social outlets for teens that can help her find her niche and cultivate a positive sense of self. Beyond her own group of friends, encourage her to join a club or a sports team outside of school. There she can find the social support she needs to feel good without the approval of the A-lister clique. And remind her that all the designer clothes in the world don’t replace qualities like kindness, loyalty and supportiveness when it comes to meaningful friendships. Still, the world of teens is ephemeral, so yours may feel like an outcast one day and a prom queen the next—which means she won’t always have a clear perspective on her social life. If you see her floundering to fit in, take her struggles and her moods seriously and offer emotional support, advises Dr. Boykin McElhaney. Suggest to her that kids in popular cliques are not the only judges of character, and certainly not the most important in the long run. And though it may seem futile at this age, keep encouraging her to make new friends. Remind her about the girl she met at camp who is also into art, or the clever classmate she teamed with on her last science project. Most important, do your best to highlight her special qualities— her talents, her tenacity—and how loved she is by the important people in her life. How cool is that!

Miss Popularity

Your teen may be the leader of the pack, but you still need to take an active role in her social life.

Check in—often. Data show that kids who are most popular tend to take the most risks in terms of drug and alcohol use and other misbehaviors.

Talk about it. Though she seems fine, you still want to discuss the pressures of fitting in or staying in a clique.

Teach values. It’s fine to be part of a tight group, but let your child know it’s never acceptable to be mean, hurt anyone or exclude others.