Now that she’s a precocious, take-no-prisoners preschooler, your child is determined to know everything: “Why is the sky blue? Why is your hair yellow and mine is black? Where did I come from?” And if your child was adopted, some questions can be especially complicated to answer. But answer you must. If you haven’t yet talked about adoption with your child, start now. “She needs to learn this sensitive information from the people she trusts most—her parents,” says adoption expert Joyce Maguire Pavao, EdD, CEO and founder of the Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, MA. “It can be hard to talk about, so begin discussing it early to get comfortable with the subject.” Offer details of, say, bringing her home from the hospital or flying all the way to China to get her—and how happy it made you. Adoption is a wonderful way to form a family, and if you’re open about it, she’ll grow to understand this. Experts agree that there’s usually no reason adoption should be a secret or a taboo topic. While you needn’t talk about adoption all the time, make sure your child knows it’s okay to ask questions freely. It’s natural for some kids to ask things like “Was I born in your tummy?” So explain in age-appropriate language something like “You have a tummy mommy, and her name is Rachel, but I’m your forever mommy.” And be honest about what you know. If your child asks where her birthmother lives, you might tell her, “Maybe someday we’ll find out, because she’s part of our family, too, but right now I’m not sure.” Learning you’re adopted and not knowing your birth family can bring a sense of loss, and it’s okay for your child to express it, says Dr. Pavao. Let her know that adoption is a good thing because it helped create your family. You might say, “Some mommies can’t take care of their babies, and we wanted a baby to love always, so we adopted you.” Your child’s friends may be curious about her adoption, too, so you need to educate the people in her life. Offer her teachers and other class parents some direction about appropriate adoption language so they can talk about it with their kids (for extra help, go to adoptivefamilies.com/talking). Adoption should always be discussed openly and with the right words. What’s most important is that your child knows you love her and she’s safe with you.

Her Family Way

To help your preschooler understand her adoption:

Start a Scrapbook. Integrate both her adoptive and birth family (if you know them) into one album so she can see everyone together. Include photos and mementos like maps of her birth country.

Read Books. There are lots of great preschool books about adoption, such as Mommy Far, Mommy Near: An Adoption Story, by Carol Antoinette Peacock.

Make believe. Encourage fantasy play and take cues from the stories she creates with friends or dolls to figure out what she’s thinking and might want to discuss with you.