In an online sex survey, we asked you to share what goes on in your bedroom—and wow, were we surprised!

A month or so ago, at my friend Mary’s wedding, my inner circle of college gal pals came together from across the country to do what we’ve come to do best: sit on hotel beds and talk. It had been a decade since our pioneering member had tied the knot. Back then, all in our twenties, we dished about sex—and not just because a friend of the groom had accepted a dare to streak through our room. We compared techniques, triumphs, disasters, multiples, handcuffs. We shared what we did, where, when, with whom, how often, for how long, how many times; we tallied how many of us had actually slept with Water Polo Guy, and then we scored his performance as if he were an Olympic contender (8.2). We talked about sex this time, too. But with five husbands, five demanding careers and nine children among us, the “triumphs” included feeling unhurried enough to have sex lying down. “Multiples,” this time, referred to the potential risks of fertility drugs; “handcuffs” played a role in fleeting fantasies involving the restraint of active toddlers. We were exhausted, overloaded and voracious no more. “If we somehow, suddenly, have twenty minutes free,” said Penny, mother of three, “I’m like, ‘Hey, honey! We could unload the dishwasher!’” But the thing is, we talked about it. Even with everything else in our Black-Berrys, sex is still on our radar. We may not be the hot have-it-all celebrity moms with airbrushed faces and impossible figures (and 25 unseen assistants), but neither are we their opposite media stereotype: the frazzled, frumptastic stress case with a fine coating of Cheerios dust and a permanent “not tonight” headache.

Okay, so we wish we had more (sex, not to mention assistants) and that it took less “work” to make it happen. But still. While we may not have it every day, in our own way, we’ve still got it. That’s the refreshing message Working Mother got from our recent reader survey. So much for that sexless stereotype: Turns out sex really matters to working moms—nearly three quarters of you ranked it as important. In fact, 71 percent of you are managing to have sex at least two or three times a month. Even more impressive: 51 percent of you reported having it at least once a week—somewhere between softball practice, late meetings, potty training and time on the elliptical. Not too shabby. And, no matter how much you’re already having, 63 percent of you say you want more. That, too, is news. “What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex and working moms?” we asked in an open-ended question. An overwhelming majority of responses echoed this: “People think just because we’re moms, we’re not sexy and don’t like sex anymore. Not true!”

Experts agree—and applaud. “That is an excellent sign that women are not content to be doting caregivers and powerful professionals at the expense of their sexual selves,” says Elyse Goldstein, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in New York City who specializes in sex and relationships. So yes: We can bring home the reduced-fat turkey bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let him (or ourselves) forget that we can be lusty (and not just for the latest Louboutin peep-toe pumps). Of course, that doesn’t mean our sex lives are always the stuff of woman-friendly porn. There are issues. Time runs out, desire wanes, sleep calls, babies beckon—and boom, sex crashes to the bottom of the to-do list, maybe even falls right off it. Despite the clear interest in sex, a majority of respondents (51 percent) said they initiated it less than half the time. “Sex used to be a feeling that came over you.

Now, it’s a choice between sleep and sex, kids and sex, working late and sex,” says Manhattan-based psychotherapist and relationships expert Sharyn Wolf, author of This Old Spouse: Tips and Tools for Keeping the Honeymoon Glow. “Sex completely reshapes itself for a working mother.” What else did the survey find, and how might it help you reshape your life (or at least your iCal) to include more of the sex you want—maybe even tonight?

Hot for husband?
He’s a hottie: 85 percent of respondents said they were “extremely” or “very” attracted to their husbands—before they had kids. Afterward? The number drops to 51 percent. Where’d the spark go? Some decrease in desire is perfectly natural after about three years of marriage, kids or no kids, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, a professor of psychology at California State University in Dominguez Hills with a private practice specializing in sexual issues. “Your attraction is not necessarily gone—it just may not be as constant or spontaneous.” Add kids to the equation and all of a sudden you’re thinking not about “that thing he does”—but about all the things you feel he’s not doing to pull his weight. Even if he cheerfully performs delegated tasks, “he’s probably not the one with the mental checklist keeping track of every birthday party, doctor’s appointment and lost mitten,” says Bostonbased sex therapist Aline Zoldbrod, PhD. “That can make you resentful. And research shows that women who are angry are not horny.” Still, only 7 percent of respondents confessed to having no attraction at all—leaving a whopping 93 percent who remain attracted at least some of the time. And the others? Said one survey respondent: “Watching him do chores is better than foreplay.” Perhaps it’s time to let him know just how hot he looks holding that mop.

Sexual Healing Tip
Stick with the old adage “never go to bed angry.” If you’re annoyed, tell him. If he’s not helping enough, hand over half the to-do list. Bitter no more, you just might start craving something other than sleep in the bedroom.

Happy ending?
Makes sense, says Dr. Zoldbrod: “For women, desire doesn’t have to precede pleasure.” But that also doesn’t mean we “have” to do it every time we don’t feel like it, just to please dear husband. “There is a role for ‘mercy sex,’ where you say, ‘Hey, I love this guy and this is a good thing to do’—and often wind up glad you did,” Dr. Zoldbrod says. “But there’s a difference between that and sex you truly don’t feel good about, when you’re falling apart and should say no without guilt.”

Sexual Healing Tip
If you’re really not feeling it, tell your husband you’d prefer closeness to intercourse (think hugging, kissing, holding hands). This way you’re not shutting him down completely—and who knows, a little cuddling might turn your mood around.

Pants on fire?
You’re an honest bunch: 89 percent of working moms tell the truth—to their friends and, we assume, to online reader surveys—about sex. Readers who do fib are most likely to exaggerate sexual frequency (85 percent), as opposed to duration or quality. Why frequency? Because it offers a nice quantitative number for comparison, say experts, noting that the national “average” for married couples is a few times a month. But the pros also say what matters is not how you compare to those randy Joneses next door, it’s what’s comfortable and desirable for you. “The couple who’s smiling and kissing and groping each other quickly in the kitchen when the kids aren’t looking might have a much sexier relationship than the couple who’s simply keeping up with some ‘average,’” says Joy Davidson, PhD, a sex therapist in New York City and author of Fearless Sex.

Sexual Healing Tip
“Don’t overlook the slow burn,” says Dr. Davidson. But if you’re looking to boost your average, try flirting, touching and sexy innuendo to stoke the fires.

Getting kinky?
You like to experiment: A full 70 percent of respondents said they’d used adult movies and sex toys to spice things up. Good plan, say experts, and not just because your average porn dialogue can give any couple a good shared laugh. Depending on how you roll, sex “accessories” can banish routine, inspire creativity—and even serve as excellent time management tools.

Sexual Healing Tip
“Biologically speaking, women with long-term partners don’t become stimulated as easily or as quickly. What used to happen in the blink of an eye now takes longer,” says Wolf. “But sex toys get you hotter, faster. Which means: more sex in less time!”

George Clooney? Many women told us they think about other men—or other women—while having sex with their husbands. (Several yearned for the experience of a threesome; one confessed to “wet dreams about Sly Stallone, even at his age.”) Normal and healthy, say experts. Research (including one recent study from the University of Granada in Spain) suggests that the level of a woman’s desire is directly correlated to the quantity of fantasies she indulges in. Monogamy, after all, doesn’t mean you think about only one person for the rest of your life. “If fantasy enhances your experience and is something you’re doing for you, it’s all good,” says Dr. Zoldbrod. (So go ahead, close your eyes and think of Clooney.)

Sexual Healing Tip
One red flag: Using fantasy to avoid thinking about your husband might be worth investigating with a therapist.

Blame game?
A striking 73 percent of respondents told us that if their sex life was lacking, they themselves were to blame. Careful here, say experts: It’s one thing to take responsibility for something you’d like to change, but another to take all the weight, perhaps unnecessarily, on yourself. Blaming yourself, feeling guilty about it—women are great at that, but it’s not helpful. “If he’s reluctant to have sex, the woman still tends to blame herself,” says Wolf.

Sexual Healing Tip
What to do instead? Talk. Even if you open with “I feel likeI’ve been neglecting the romantic part of our life, and I’m sorry.” Go on to discuss what both of you could do to get out of whatever rut you’re in.

Pillow talk?
Not happy with what’s happening between the sheets? Don’t keep it to yourself, say experts. But what if what you have to say makes him feel bad? While a majority of women reported being able to talk with their husbands about intimate topics, many alluded to sexual frustrations that could be addressed in conversation—conversations they evidently weren’t having. Problem is, avoiding the topic not only won’t help, it could make things worse. (That big elephant in your bedroom? Not sexy.)

Sexual Healing Tip
Bring up these tricky things in a positive way, without blame, say experts. “Men get defensive about sex and often stonewall,” says Ian Kerner, PhD, a sex therapist and coauthor of Love in the Time of Colic. “Use sexiness as a Trojan horse to get into a conversation about what you want. Like ‘I had this sexy thought about you today. We were…’ and fill in the blank with a description of exactly what you want more of. Guys get that message. We want that fantasy to come true.”

Healthy Aphrodisiac
Need a few more reasons to boost your libido? Sex isn’t just good for your marriage and mental state; it’s also good for your health. Here are four medical reasons to say yes to sex:

Exercise. If you really get your pulse rate up and break a sweat—presto—mini cardio warm-up.“If you’re planning a romantic evening, perhaps you’ll feel less guilty about skipping the gym that morning,” says Judi Chervenak, MD, associate clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City.      

Pain relief. Orgasm has been found to have an analgesic effect. Maybe the phrase should be “Tonight! I have a headache!”      

Stress relief. You get this benefit even without orgasm, according to Jennifer Berman, MD, a urologist and expert in female sexuality: “Just the fact of being intimate and connected to a loved one causes a chemical release that decreases stress and inflammation.”      

Erectile function. A new study of men aged 55 to 75 found that those who had intercourse more often were less likely to develop erection problems. Why not plan ahead? (After all, at some point, the kids will leave for college.)