I am dressed in my best “Sex and the City” look for the grand opening of The New Art Museum on Bowery Street in downtown Manhattan. My husband had handled the real estate transaction for the museum so we would surely be treated as VIPs. What fun to be walking around among the beautiful people of New York sipping champagne and looking at over-the-top modern art. While elbowing our way through the dense crowd, we run into business associates of my husband who immediately introduces me so that we can begin our social chit chat. Then out comes the dreaded question: “So Rosemary, what do you do?”

I’m struck mute. A cold sweat overtakes my reddened face. I can barely breathe. I excuse myself and run to the ladies room to hide for awhile. Why? Because I’m a nobody. I no longer have an identity. I lost my job in a corporate takeover and haven’t found another one yet. So who am I?

My college years of the early 1970’s at Cornell University were dominated by the feminist movement.  Never mind about the era of sex, drugs and Rock n Roll, my girlfriends and I were consumed by the challenge of being at the forefront of the women’s liberation movement, especially in the workplace.  We were going to forge the way for the generations of young women behind us! With a great deal of hard work, intense dedication and a tremendous work ethic, we all launched into our various careers right after college graduation. I started out in the public relations department of an elite entertainment design and production company known for unique set & lighting designs as well as for staging large show extravaganzas. My life was about living, breathing and mastering my job, often staying at the office until the late night hours, including weekends. Throughout the thirteen years of working at this firm, I moved up the career ladder from Director of Public Relations, to Marketing Director, to Vice President/Project Development. Often on the road traveling with the boys for various projects, we lived the high life, flying only in first class and having limos await our arrival. Every evening I would wine and dine clients ranging from celebrities to corporate presidents and price was never a factor to consider.  You might say that I was “almost famous” and quite frankly, I had a tremendous sense of self during those golden years.  My all time favorite project of that era was a red-carpet corporate show we staged in 1988 for the Anheuser-Busch Wholesalers Convention at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. The event was titled “The Legend Begins” and we created a musical song and dance tribute to all the greatest legends of the day.  Our cast included Frank Sinatra, Liza Minelli, Sammy Davis, Jr., Bob Hope, George Burns, Lucille Ball, Charlton Heston, Gene Kelly, Tommy Tune, Ed McMahon, Lou Rawls, Betty Buckley, Natalie Cole, Chuck Mangione, among other celebs, along with 26 dancers and a 65 piece orchestra. The audience of 9,000 will never forget that once-in-a-lifetime private performance. My role was that of Executive Producer. I had broken the glass ceiling!

However, by this time in my career, I had reached my mid-thirties and I started to hear the loud ringing of my biological alarm clock. So my husband and I decided to take the plunge into parenthood, starting our family with a baby boy. I left the production company when my son was a toddler because I felt that in order to be a proper working mother I should at least tone down my wild lifestyle. Thus came the switch from outlandish extravagance to the extreme side of frugal when I took a job at WABC-TV/Buena Vista as a Booker/Producer for the newly syndicated television talk show “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee”. This small staff worked on the tightest of financial budgets and my executive status was now gone, but it was replaced by what turned out to be the most exciting whirlwind of professional mayhem working in live show television. Every day was a completely new adventure in the studio with unexpected surprises. I was now a television producer who booked and interviewed the hottest stars of Hollywood, the greatest bands and performers, the most unusual acts and the funniest gags. My bookings included the first US appearance of young Canadian singer Celine Dion, delightful television and film stars like Will Smith, the legendary Elton John, football hero Jerry Rice, wrestling character Hulk Hogan – the celebrity list was endless. I also put together segments ranging from baby life saving techniques to makeover contests to a demo of a chimpanzee with a black belt in karate.  How many people get to start their day with gales of laughter and entertainment? Yes, this was a job that showed who I was and what I could do - I was a proud peacock strutting my plumes as I identified myself to the outside world.

However, with each passing year I started working longer and later hours, barely spending enough time with my son. It was the eve of our “Mom’s Dream Come True” special in celebration of Mother’s Day. I was at my desk frantically multi-tasking late into the night, checking and rechecking every major and minor detail of my segments for the next day.  With each passing year this particular show meant so much to me because Rosemary Kalikow the ordinary person couldn’t make anyone’s dream come true, but Rosemary Kalikow the ABC producer could make miracles happen. What a heady feeling that was. The senior staff producer who was my television production mentor and dearest staff friend, Joanne, was packing it in for the night.

“Rosie, go home - you need to start spending more time with your family.”

“I can’t leave until I review my segment details one last time before tomorrow.”

Of all people Joanne should have understood my escalating anxiety—after all, she was the one who taught me to be a perfectionist at my job. But instead she said something that took me by complete surprise.

“The next time you go visit your Grandma at the cemetery, look up and down at the rows of graves and read what’s written on the various headstones. I guarantee that you won’t see one inscription that says “She was a great producer”.

What the hell did she mean by that? I had no clue as to what message she was trying to send my way and so I simply ignored the comment.

After seven years I left “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” to venture on to jobs working as a producer for other programs. Most recently, I spent six years serving as a producer of public affairs and educational programs at Court TV Network. I did a teen series called “Choices and Consequences” where I traveled around the country and talked with hundreds of teenagers about important issues that affected their lives…bullying, school shootings, drug abuse, drinking & driving, peer pressure.  It wasn’t like the glamorous jobs of yore but I felt as if I was making a difference because my shows were aired as part of a national program called “Cable in the Classroom”. I was proud to tell people who I was and what I did. But then the network was taken over by Turner Broadcasting and the departments I worked for were cut. I was out of a job.

Over this past year I’ve spent days and days responding to internet job leads or calling upon professional colleagues for potential positions – all without success or a glint of encouragement.  Many of my professional friends have strongly inferred that I am past my prime for the few producer positions available. With the passing of every month, I started to spiral deeper and deeper into an insecure and depressed state of being because I felt stripped of my identity. At every social gathering I attended, I would pray that no one would ask me what I do.

Then a family member called upon my husband and I to attend an “unveiling” for their mother. This is a Jewish tradition where a year after someone dies, close family and friends of the deceased go back to the cemetery for the “unveiling” of the tombstone. Naturally we went to the cemetery for this small service and while I was there I went to visit my Grandmother’s gravesite. I suddenly remembered my former colleague Joanne’s comment to me all of those years ago, and so I walked up and down the aisles to my Grandmother’s gravesite reading the inscriptions on the headstones. They read: beloved grandparent… devoted mother …loving  wife…. wonderful friend…all types of inscriptions about being a devoted family member, great friend or pillar of the community. Not one of the inscriptions mentioned anyone’s professional job or career. Indeed, there wasn’t a single headstone that said “She Was A Great Producer”. And then Joanne’s former cryptic message became crystal clear – my life is NOT my job. Sure, it is a part of who I am, but the more important question is: How do I stack up as a wife, a mother, a family member and a friend?

Yes, I’ve continued my search for the right job position and am even considering going back to school for a complete change of career. But during these past 8 months, what I’ve really devoted my time and energies to doing are things for all of my various family members, giving them my time and my love. I’ve reconnected with all of my friends, arranging lunches, dinners, museum trips or theater excursions throughout the week.

I’ve started doing charity work helping inner city children to strengthen their reading skills. Basically, I’ve rejoined the world of “life” and for the very first time I don’t need a job to define myself. Now when someone at a party or social affair asks me what I do for a living, I simply say “I’m a writer.”