You know your little guy isn’t a baby anymore. But you just weren’t prepared for him to come home from preschool and declare his love for a blue-eyed beauty in his class named Chloe. “Sure,” you say, “we love lots of people.” “No,” he asserts. Chloe is his girlfriend; he kissed her and wants to marry her. What?! Isn’t a 4- or 5-year-old just a little young, even for puppy love? “The preschool years are when kids begin to notice the differences between boys and girls and may even develop an attraction to a peer of the opposite sex,” says Sara Whitcomb, an early childhood researcher at the University of Oregon in Eugene who has coauthored a socio-emotional learning program for young children. “They’re beginning to learn about friendships and to relate with others outside their family.” A lot of their social views and actions depend not only on their personality (outgoing, affectionate) but also on the context in which they’ve been raised. For example, kids in homes with lots of hugging and kissing may transfer that kind of behavior to the school setting. “It’s perfectly normal for some preschoolers to experience puppy love,” Whitcomb adds. What to do? First of all, don’t worry, says Whitcomb. Realize that the word “love” doesn’t mean the same thing to little kids as it does to adults. Then use the situation as an opportunity to help your child learn healthy play and emotion-management skills. In a neutral way, show interest and ask questions like “What do you like about her?” and “How do you know you’re in love?” so he can express his feelings. And say things like “It must be really fun to have met a new special friend” to let him know it’s okay to have relationships. You can then share suitable friendship behaviors by saying things like “You did a nice job showing you like her when you gave her a high five.” This will help him learn appropriate ways to interact and show emotion. As for frequent hugging, kissing and marriage proposals, your child may just be emulating his parents. If you’re uncomfortable, you could say that these are things that adults—like Mommy and Daddy—do and suggest other things he might do: “You could draw her a picture or let her take your turn on the swing to show her you like her.” Chances are your child will soon outgrow his puppy love. And don’t be surprised if pretty soon he comes home from school and announces, “Girls, yuck!”   

Feelings Not Mutual

A child who can love is a child who can also feel rejected. To help yours cope with the flip side of affection:

• Listen and comfort. Ask him to tell you what happened and tell him it’s okay to cry when he feels bad. Give hugs.
• Validate his feelings. Say something like “I see how it makes you feel sad when Kelsey doesn’t want to hold your hand. I would feel sad, too.”
• Offer solutions. Explore how he can comfort himself: “What could you do to make yourself feel better? Who else could you play with?” Set up playdates to show that there are other friends out there.