In the movie Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan morphs her clothes, interests and attitude to please the Plastics, the most popular girls in high school. Not exactly a novel notion. What is new, however, is that these days cliques are formed at much younger ages, says researcher Casey Borch, PhD, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, who coauthored a recent study on the subject. In fact, the research found more cliques in fifth grade than in any other between fourth and twelfth. Should you worry that your grade schooler is desperate to hang with the hip? And are all cliques “mean”?

Even though the very word sounds negative, a clique is simply a close-knit group of friends. “As children get older, it’s natural to feel a need for support from people outside of their family,” says Dr. Borch. If your child gravitates toward the same group of friends to play at recess, practice basketball or hit the mall on weekends, there’s probably no problem—although it’s a good idea to encourage her to expand her friendships and include others. It’s when a group is cruel or harmful that cliques (and the group mentality) get dangerous. For example, Dr. Borch found that negative boys’ cliques are mostly defined by physical aggression and negative girls’ cliques by relational aggression like gossip and teasing. It’s natural that your child wants to be liked and popular, but if getting there involves hurting others, either mentally or physically, you’re overdue for a conversation about what behaviors are acceptable in your family and how being mean makes people feel—including your child. Make sure she understands that nasty comments or aggression toward others is unacceptable and that she’ll be punished for it. In fact, this talk should happen before you notice any unpleasant behavior. Also discuss inclusion and acceptance. Ask your child how she’d feel if she wasn’t invited to hang out with her friends or was suddenly banned from their lunch table. Then explain that she should try to include other kids so she doesn’t make them feel excluded or hurt. “Cliques are generally not cause for serious concern, since they provide social support and children seem to outgrow the need for them as they get older,” says Dr. Borch. As you continue to instill values like kindness, acceptance and inclusion, realize that your child’s exclusionary behavior won’t go on forever. Then get ready for the next talk, when the importance of her group is replaced by the importance of a guy.   

Fitting In

Not all kids are part of a clique. If your child seems to be sitting on the sidelines, here are Dr. Casey Borch’s tips for how to deal.

• Encourage individuality. Remind him of his great qualities and that he wouldn’t want to drastically change who he is just to fit in with certain groups.  
• Explore other outlets. Suggest social options like youth groups, Little League or art classes to find people who share his interests.
• Watch for warning signs. If your child is being ignored and left completely alone, you might want to speak to the school psychologist or look for outside help.