When Gail Liberman married Alan Lavine, she was the spender and he was the saver. “He never understood the rationale of eating dinner out, given the cost,” she says. But these days, Alan occasionally splurges on a fancy dinner date. As for Gail, she’s learned to pay cash when shopping to be more aware of the money she spends, and she has amped up her monthly contributions to savings and retirement accounts. “A marriage could be facing a ticking bomb if neither spouse owns up to money issues,” says Liberman.

Ironically, it’s a lack of communication and compromise—not a lack of money—that can ruin a relationship, experts say. Finding a middle ground when it comes to financial matters has not only helped Gail and Alan stay happily married for 16 years, but the topic has become their life’s work. As a personal finance syndicated-columnist team and authors of such books as Love, Marriage & Money, they’ve been writing about money issues for a combined total of some 50 years. “In the courting stage, romance often takes precedence over practical discussions about money,” says Liberman. “But when the knot is tied and kids come along, financial issues can come to a head—just when no one has time to talk about them.” That helps explain why one of the top causes of conflict in marriages is money, even when both partners bring home paychecks. Part of the challenge is that while couples often talk about religion, sex and politics, “we’ve been taught it’s rude to talk about money,” says Catherine M. Williams, vice president of financial literacy with Money Management International, a nonprofit credit counseling program in Houston. If one person is laid-back about money and the other is an obsessive worrier, conversation is needed to find that place in between. A full 60 percent of married couples surveyed by the Consumer Credit Counseling Service report fighting about money with their spouse. In other research, 57 percent of divorced couples cited financial problems as the main reason they didn’t get along. For working mothers, financial stability is critical, especially in today’s uncertain economic climate. Here, some tips from the pros to make sure your love nest runs like a thriving small business.

Schedule weekly meetings
Regular money meetings with your partner may last only five minutes at first, says Cindy Morus, a coach at the financial advisory and education website mendyourmoney.com. The goal is not to solve all your money problems during the meeting but to start talking about them. She suggests posting a piece of paper on the refrigerator where you can both list important topics you want to cover in these meetings: “This prevents you from bringing up the subject when you’re locked in the car together or right before bedtime—both popular times for money discussions but not the best times for them.” Because money matters require shared decision-making, these conversations are critical. “Couples whose skills at making decisions together are insufficient will generate friction instead of affection as they address their money concerns as a team,” says Susan Heitler, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Denver. “Stack the odds in your favor by being sure you’re not tired or hungry.” She recommends avoiding talking about money after 9:00 p.m.

Set financial goals together
What do you want to accomplish as a couple? Do you need to pay down debt? Save for a house? “Once you have a goal, you’re both apt to think twice when it comes to other purchases that may derail the family plan,” says Liberman. Morus recommends using a “bucket” strategy to sort expenses: for example, retirement, future spending, fun and self-development, sharing, emergency needs and the bills. “This helps couples create a spending plan,” she says. “The spending plan gives every dollar a job and tells it what it is supposed to do. Most people like the concept of their money having a job.” Also establish ground rules together, such as consulting your spouse if you’re thinking about spending more than a certain amount on something. “It doesn’t matter who earns how much,” says Williams. She and her husband have saved a lot of money by checking with each other and taking a 24-hour cooling-off period before making big purchases. “If we hadn’t done this, I would have a twelve-piece wicker patio set—white, no less—and my husband would have three power tools he would have used once,” says Williams.

Express yourself and listen
Money is inherently a sensitive topic because both spouses have so much at stake in the outcome of financial decisions. “The more sensitive and important a topic, the more likely that spouses will become emotional,” Dr. Heitler points out. “If you’re upset about your spouse’s money habits, express your emotions as a feeling rather than going on the attack against your partner,” says Liberman. “For example, ‘I feel upset because we’re in debt. Can we sit down and talk about how to change this?’” When you’ve heard your spouse’s point of view, repeat it out loud to communicate that you understand it and take it seriously, even if you don’t agree. “This makes it easier to work things out,” she says. Adds Dr. Heitler: “If you appreciate each other’s contributions in money and in all realms, love keeps growing.”

Stay informed and involved
Information is one of the best antidotes to money worries. “The more working moms understand their family’s financial situation, and the more they participate in designing a financial management strategy, the more peace of mind they will experience,” says Dr. Heitler. Morus recommends that you make a will (and keep it updated), comparison shop for insurance and check on your employee benefits to make sure you’re taking maximum advantage of all that’s offered while minimizing your taxes. An added bonus: By keeping family finances on track and sidestepping money fights, you’re setting a great example for your kids. Says Williams, “They will remember that the lights were always on, good food was on the table and you had savings for a rainy day.”

FIND YOUR MONEY PERSONALITY When you and your partner are looking for that middle ground, it helps to identify your views about money.

ACHIEVERS The second-highest earners, usually college graduates and mostly married, they are conservative and not interested in risking assets they have worked hard to accumulate.

ENTREPRENEURS Driven by a passion for excellence and commitment, they enjoy the power and prestige money brings. They are proud and reward themselves with the best cars, homes and wines.

HIGH ROLLERS These thrill seekers enjoy the ride of financial risk but are only mildly interested in where it takes them. They prefer to risk their assets rather than sit back bored by financial security.

HUNTERS Usually average- to above-average income earners, and often women, they make purchasing decisions with their hearts, not with their heads. They use impulsive spending as a way to reward themselves.

MONEY MASTERS The No. 1 wealth accumulators—even though they don’t necessarily earn the most—they trust recommendations of others and act on sound advice.

OPTIMISTS Money has brought them peace of mind. Often in or near retirement, they are more interested in enjoying their money than making it grow.

PERFECTIONISTS They’re so afraid of making a mistake, they often avoid making a decision. They have the least pride in handling financial matters. Finding suitable investments is difficult for them.

PRODUCERS They rank high in work ethic but lower in earned income due to lack of self-confidence in their money management skills. Producers don’t evaluate risks carefully and rarely profit from them.

SAFETY PLAYERS They’re average earners, and most of their money goes into safe and secure investments.

Source: Kathleen Gurney, PhD, CEO, financialpsychology.com. © All rights reserved.