Once your child is old enough to speak, she’s asking lots of questions. But how do we answer difficult questions about the death of a loved one when we are grieving ourselves? There’s no easy answer. There are ways, though, to not only teach your child about loss, but help you both get through this hard time. 

Your family may have been through the death of a goldfish or dog, and our piece, When A Pet Dies, deals with that topic well. Yet with the passing of a person, there’s a lot more to consider.

The National Association of School Psychologists recommends encouraging children to talk about grief and death while cautioning that not all children will react in the same way to a loss. While some children will detach from their feelings as a way to cope, others will act out, or even regress (ask to sleep in your bed, etc.) in their behavior. As with any big change, patience and a respect for your child’s feelings is likely to be the most productive tact for both of you.

Maria Shriver wrote a great book on this subject. What’s Heaven? (St. Martin’s Press) is the story of a little girl whose great-grandmother has died. It’s inspired by the questions that came from Shriver’s own children when her grandmother, Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, passed away.

It’s certainly difficult to reassure kids that everything is going to be OK when you are grieving, but here are some tips we picked up from Shriver’s book that can help.

Try to have answers ready for all questions. Be prepared for everything from “what is death?” to “why is grandma being put in a box in the ground?”

What’s Heaven? addresses these inquiries and more, making it an excellent read-aloud with your children. Allow your kids to ask their own questions as you read.

It’s important to let your child know that your loved one’s body may be buried or cremated, but their soul lives on.

A good exercise for kids would be to have them make a list of memories they had with the person who died. It can include things like how grandpa used to always buy ice cream cakes for birthdays or how he loved to ride his bicycle.

Go through photographs and create a scrapbook with your child to memorialize the one you love.

Make note of lessons that were taught and instilled in you and your child by the one who has passed. Explain how these are the ways that the soul lives on.

Talk about the different ways people grieve—some cry, others are quiet, some even show anger. Clue your child in on the different processes people have when dealing with death and let them know that it’s OK to be sad.

If the loved one who passed was ill, it will certainly be easier to explain to your child how the deceased is no longer in pain and that they are in a better place. But if the death was sudden or tragic, it may be more difficult. You can look to your faith, and tell your child how God has a plan for the person who died. If it is hitting you and your family very hard, you may want to consult a grief counselor to help you get through it.