Stress. Now there’s a given for working moms. Stress works for us and against us with a secret ingredient. It’s cortisol—the hormone our body releases to help us deal—that lets us fight or flee from stressors. But too much cortisol can affect overall health. What really pulls us through is learning to cope and calm ourselves in tense times. On top of that, our children need help acquiring these coping skills, too.

Research shows that stress is a particular issue for kids in day care: Cortisol levels in toddlers and preschoolers often increase as they attempt to play with lots of other kids, reports Sarah Watamura, PhD, the director of the Child Health & Development Lab at the University of Denver. This can even top the stress kids feel when separating from Mom at drop-off. “Young children are sensitive to social relationships and will worry and struggle when there’s trouble interacting with peers,” Dr. Watamura explains. At-home issues like money and relationship problems can also affect kids, she adds. “They’re aware of family troubles, even as you try to hide them. Kids feel something’s wrong but don’t know what, which threatens their sense of security.”

Because preschoolers aren’t yet able to express their feelings, you need to be aware of your child’s stress signals—heightened behaviors like incessant crying after separation, chronic exhaustion after coming home from day care, frequent illness and/or trouble getting up in the morning. In these cases, ask your care provider if she’s noticed problems: “Does my child play well when she wants to play? How does she do when I leave? When are the roughest times of day?”

Then react in ways that help her gain coping skills. For example, if she’s having trouble making friends, suggest she share a favorite toy with others and remember to take turns on the swing. Ask her care provider to offer extra help with these strategies as well. And make sure her teacher is bonding with her, as research suggests that even upset children show more stable cortisol levels when they have secure attachments to their caregivers. If the stressor is home-based, assure your child that “Yes, this is happening, but Mommy and Daddy can figure it out, and you don’t have to worry about it,” offers Dr. Watamura. You might suggest she read or draw to calm herself. Should you constantly jump in to “save” her? No, says Dr. Watamura. “Like adults, kids don’t always have to be happy.” But if you see disruptions in eating, sleeping, health or emotions, your child may need help with stress. “You can’t stop bad things from happening,” she adds, “but you can support her in hard times, keeping the support in balance with the demands of her life.”

Control Central

• Offer appropriate choices to help your child feel less overwhelmed and more in control, says Dr. Sarah Watamura. Let her pick a friend for a playdate or choose from two or three shirts to wear.
• Tell her what’s coming and what to expect. “I’ll be late picking you up today, and we’ll have to go really fast.” This will help her process a situation with less chance of a meltdown.
• Match your reaction to her action. When she behaves in a certain way, let the level of punishment or reward match the behavior, so she can see that actions have reasonable consequences.