Now that your “big girl” is in preschool (sigh) and learning from other adults, you hope she’s already picked up a thing or two from you: to say “please” and “thank you,” not to pick her nose. Of course, you also want her to be kind. Is this something you can leave to her teachers, or can you be more deliberate in helping her learn to care?

Research shows that most kids are born with the capacity to be good and caring, says psychologist Michele Borba, EdD, author of Building Moral Intelligence. But without nurture it lies dormant. “A lot of it has to do with a child’s experiences and your nurturing good qualities through these experiences,” she explains. “Young children pick up on their parents’ habits and interactions with others. So ask yourself, ‘Since my child watched only my behavior today, what has she seen?’?” We praise our kids as they mimic our good qualities, but we must also be mindful of our lesser moments: You can pretend not to see the homeless person, but your child will notice. Kids also mimic TV shows, movies, music and other pop culture. And let’s face it, a lot of PG-rated material has one character being mean to another.

Then there’s peer influence: Are your child’s best pals the sharing, take-turns types, or do they push and shove to get what they want? All the more reason your age-appropriate talks about being kind and the way you model this quality are crucial. For working moms, the influence of caregivers is huge. Dr. Borba suggests seeking warmhearted people with morals and values similar to yours. “If kids get away with things around your care-givers, you’ll have a hard time at home.” Still, parents can offset outside influences by instilling moral intelligence in their child from day one. “Empathy starts from birth—how you pick up your child, how you bond,” says Dr. Borba. Even young babies sense their parents’ affection, empathy and kindness. As your child grows, use feeling words such as “happy,” “mad” and “proud” so she can learn them; a child who understands her own feelings can better empathize with others. During playdates, show her that she can pat or hug her friend who is upset. Pretty soon, along with “please” and “thank you,” she’ll say, “I’m glad you feel better, Mommy.”   

Growing Kindness

BE INTENTIONAL.

Deliberately say to yourself, “I want to raise a caring child,” says Dr. Michele Borba. And be clear when stating your values with your caregivers so they can reinforce them in your child.

SAY IT OUT LOUD.

Use words often that promote kindness and being responsible. When your child is kind, point out the impact: “Daddy is smiling because you hugged him and were nice to him.”

EDIT TV AND TOY CHOICES.

A lot of consumerism promotes materialism or flirts with violence. Be sure that what your child watches and plays with aligns with your core values.