She got her big break on the TV sitcom A Different World and made headlines when she married movie star Will Smith. But no experience has been more enlightening for Jada Pinkett Smith than being a mom to her three kids. I’ve learned so many things since I became a mother, but one of the most important is that there’s no formula for how to raise a child and have a career. Anyone can give you ideas about how to balance the two, but you have to do it your own way. And I do everything my way. Being the best mom you can be isn’t about economic status, it’s about philosophy. I know I need help raising my kids. That’s why my mother travels with us when I’m on tour with my band, Wicked Wisdom, or if I’m on location for a movie. If she can’t make it, a friend comes along, or I bring Will. (But if Will’s with me, I still usually have my mother or Will’s mother there. I need someone who will make sure the kids aren’t eating chocolate cake!) When I travel to third world countries—certain places in India or Africa—I meet mothers who know they can’t do it by themselves. You see groups of women raising their kids together in a village, helping one another relieve stress. But in this country, people tend to say, “Mind your business!” I think part of the problem is that most women think they don’t deserve time for themselves. We’re constantly told that as women we have to do, do, do. But we need each other for support. We need to develop relationships with people so that we have help. Everyone needs to figure out a way to create a support system—no one should do it alone. One of the toughest parenting experiences I’ve had was becoming a stepmother to Will’s son, Trey, 16. As a kid, I’d been through such excruciating experiences with my parents’ divorce and having our family split up that I wanted to do anything in my power to make sure Trey didn’t go through that. I had to learn to get out of my ego. It wasn’t about me. I had to understand that Will was going to have a relationship with Trey’s mom because they share a child. I had to support him in doing what was right even though it wasn’t easy. But greatness doesn’t come from ease. You want to do great things and you want it to be easy? These don’t go hand in hand. But the fact that now we enjoy holidays all together with Trey’s mom and her new husband makes the tough part worth it. Trey knows we all get along, and that creates stability for him. When I got pregnant with Jaden, I was terrified because I knew my life was going to change. I took almost three years off from work. Once again, I had to leave my ego out of it. I had people saying I should really audition for this or that, but there was nothing more important than the baby I held in my arms. When I eventually went back to acting, it was because Spike Lee called me to do his movie Bamboozled. He promised it would be quick. I had Jaden with me and had a great time. I always have my kids on the set with me. They’ve grown up on movie backlots, so it didn’t surprise me at all when they wanted to get into acting. It’s in their blood. It started when we were sitting at the table one day and Will said he was having trouble finding a kid to play his son in The Pursuit of Happyness. Jaden shot back, “I’ll audition!” I had to tell Will, “Listen. Don’t have him go in that room if you’re not seriously thinking of considering him.” I knew the chemistry they’d have would be undeniable. Our daughter, Willow, has a very small part in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, and that just happened because they called and said they’d love her to play little Gloria. I asked her if she wanted to, and she had so many questions about how the process works. It was like a school field trip for her. She loved it. Sometimes people are surprised my kids got into acting at such a young age. They say, “Hollywood is so hard.” And it is. But guess what—so is life. So you prepare your kids for challenges. You don’t teach them to back down because things are hard. You give them the tools necessary to deal. I teach my kids to keep their integrity, to remember that being a good person comes first and to stay true to who they are. If they know that, I can put them in any circumstance without worrying. I’ve had to overcome a lot of challenges professionally, especially as an African-American woman. A long time ago, I auditioned for a role and they said, “Someone as pretty as you wouldn’t be going through abuse.” I’ll never forget that. Another time, I went in for a role and they had a stereotypical approach to portraying a black woman addicted to drugs. Some people only know what they see on the news. I can’t fight every battle. Sometimes you just do your job and hope people have their own epiphanies. But with someone I interact with on a regular basis or care about, I feel a responsibility to pull that person aside and say, “I just want to tell you that I got kind of offended.” Most of the time, people don’t even realize they’re saying something offensive. It’s also tough to be a woman at work with a group of men. They sometimes talk over you. But as soon as you get loud and assertive, somebody wants to call you that b-word. I say, “No, that’s just the energy I have to take on to be heard in here.” You have to make your presence known. I’ve tried to get myself into a position where I can pick the projects I want to do when I want to do them. My kids will say, “Mommy, you never do anything we can watch!” And I say, “That’s what your dad does. Mommy’s an R-rated kind of girl!” I’m going to keep doing my own thing, but, of course, when I did the Madagascar movies I was proud to make films my children could see. Our kids want so much time with us. Willow still sleeps in our bed. Sometimes it’s hard for Will and me to go on a date or have time alone. I keep reminding him, “Eventually Jaden and Willow will be doing their own thing. So let’s enjoy this time.” We give them all we have right now, knowing there’ll be a day when it’ll be just the two of us again. GUEST COLUMNIST: Jada Pinkett Smith, 37, stars in the animated film Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, out in theaters this month. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Will Smith, and their three children.