Accept differences? Respect others? These lessons are lost on a bully. Despite many parents’ and schools’ efforts, bullying continues to loom large in schools across the country—and in our society as a whole. “It’s a symptom of adult behavior that is still rampant and condoned,” says Robert W. Fuller, PhD, former president of Oberlin College and author of several books on rankism and bullying, including Dignity for All: How to Create a World Without Rankism. “An adult is regarded as being cool if he can swagger his way to success, but then we tell six-year-olds they shouldn’t do it.”

One source of bullying messages is TV, where popular prime-time shows like American Idol condone—even glorify—one person publicly humiliating another. We could go on and on about how children learn intimidation tactics, but ultimately, says Dr. Fuller, “if adults are serious about eliminating bullying from schools, they have to eliminate it from family life.” Which means that when a telemarketer calls, you need to curb your anger and speak respectfully as you gently get off the phone. And what about the way you treat the waitress at the diner or the gas station attendant? By showing respect to everyone, you model the right messages for your child. Meanwhile, kids still get bullied. And while part of the solution is sticking up for themselves, Dr. Fuller asserts that parents must reinforce again and again that bullying is not to be tolerated and that a child who is being harassed is absolutely in the right to tell his parents and school administrators. Likewise, a child who sees a peer being bullied is absolutely responsible for reporting it. Most schools have methods for dealing with a bully, including appropriate consequences (like a three-strikes-and-you’re-out response of reprimand, suspension and expulsion). But nothing will happen if no one says anything to adults. Online bullying is as bad as the in-person version, maybe worse: Kids can put others down while hiding behind a screen—but with many more people to “hear” them. Again, kids must report this, and malicious comments should be severely addressed by parents so there’s no room for a repeat or copycat offense. Want to banish bullying? We all have to shape our kids’ behavior by advocating fair treatment of others.   

If Your Child Is Picked On…

Offer these strategies from the online forum Stop Bullying Now:

Always tell an adult. Grown-ups will care and do everything they can to help you.

Stay in a group. Kids who bully like to pick on kids who are by themselves a lot. If you are being bullied online, don’t reply. Responding may actually make the bullying worse. Instead, tell a family member or another adult you trust.

Join clubs or take part in activities where you’ll meet other kids. Sometimes it can help you feel better to be with other kids who share your interests.