Ramani Durvasula describes her life as a series of hurdles she needs to clear every day to keep her family functioning. She applies the same task-oriented approach to managing her home that she does to her work as an associate professor of psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. There's little margin for error, since she must wake her two daughters, ages 7 and 4, and get them fed, dressed and out the door by 7:45 a.m. "I'm constantly saying, 'Hurry up!' because we have to move on to the next task," she says. "I don't have the luxury of giving them space to get something done in their own time or to say, 'Sure, let's look at that ladybug.'"Such military precision allows Ramani, 41, to squeeze more into a day than most people do—but it comes at a price: "I feel guilty when I don't perform tasks well at work or at home," she says. "I feel guilty that I don't measure up to other mothers who seem to have it all wired so smoothly and seem so cheerful. I feel guilty because I am often short with my children." Ramani is exhausted, too, and worries that things will fall through the cracks if she slows down or delegates. "There's rarely time to teach my kids how to do things, so I tend to do everything," she says. "When I do ask for their help, it's usually with a sense of resignation—'Here, you put on your clothes'—rather than a sense of 'Let's see if you can grow from this experience.' My life feels like a house of cards that will topple if I lose my momentum.

"Sound familiar? Feeling like you have to do it all—and do it all flawlessly—is an occupational hazard for many working moms. The need to do well at work is trumped only by the need to provide your children with a perfect life in which they're offered every opportunity to succeed while also being sheltered from disappointment. When you fall short of that ideal, or your kids fall short of your dreams for them, you can feel like a failure—and they can feel inadequate. You might as well relax. A "perfect" life for you and your children isn't only unattainable, it's not desirable. When everything is perfect, no one learns from mistakes or has a chance to build self-confidence. Instead of seeking perfection, experts recommend that you think about what makes a "good enough" life for you and your kids. For you, it might be a sense of balance and fulfillment at work and at home. For your children, it might be success or just becoming well-adjusted and happy, which doesn't mean they have to be straight-A students, soloists in the school orchestra or stars of the soccer team. "All children need a secure environment in which to grow up and a sense of permanence—the feeling that no matter what happens, they can count on you," says Sucheta Connolly, MD, director of the Pediatric Stress and Anxiety Disorders Clinic at the University of Illinois at Chicago. "Your children need to feel comfortable letting you know when they need something as well as when you're doing too much, expecting too much or yelling too much. Listen to them." After all, you and your kids are really the ones who define your own happiness. The first step toward getting there is giving up the quest for perfection.

Here's how.

Land your helicopter. You build your children's science projects, and when they argue with a friend, you step in and call the friend's mom. If that describes you, you're what experts call a "helicopter parent." Well, it may be time to park your craft. "Hovering parents are a major risk factor for anxiety problems in children," says Dr. Connolly. "If a child isn't allowed to do things himself, he may not gain a sense of competence, so when he has to do things on his own, he may feel worried and anxious." By hovering less, you'll reduce not only your own stress level but your child's, too. Stevie Wilson, 45, a freelance writer in Los Angeles, used to argue about homework every night with her 15-year-old daughter, Casey. "The more I badgered her or tried to help her study, the more she rebelled," says Stevie. When Casey's grades slipped, her guidance counselor asked Stevie, "Why are you doing this? Casey has to learn to stand or fall on her own." From then on, Stevie only helped when asked. "By the middle of the next year, Casey had learned study skills that really worked for her, and her grades went from D's to B's and A's," her mom reports. "We were getting along much better, too."Realize that less can be more. Kids today are expected to participate in many different activities—and to excel at all of them. And if they don't? "Parents may feel that it looks bad not only for their children but for them as well," says Dr. Connolly. "You may worry, 'Is my child doing well enough? How are other people judging my parenting?'" Yet all that shuttling between activities only leaves you exhausted and makes your child feel overwhelmed. A better approach: Have your child choose one or two activities she wants to try, and don't worry if her performance isn't stellar. The joy is in the doing, not necessarily in being the best. Encourage not only her strengths but also her passions; let her sing if she loves it, even if she's off key. Figure out what matters. Think about what you really need to get right and what can be mediocre. Your children need a safe home, but they don't need a spotless home. Eating meals together is important, but the food doesn't have to be gourmet. Try to focus on the things that mean the most to you. This is one lesson Ramani has learned. "Because my time is limited, I choose volunteer activities that directly affect my children," she says. "I won't call people for donations or head up a subcommittee, but I will help with the class party or be a Brownie leader."Put things in perspective. To assess what your child should reasonably be expected to do, ask yourself, What was I doing at his age? And be realistic. If you weren't class president, should you expect him to be?"You can also look back and think, How much did my parents help me with my schoolwork?" says Robyn Landow, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City. "For most of us, their involvement consisted of driving us to the library so we could do research, yet we turned out okay. Recalling how your parents did things may allow you to cut yourself some slack and maybe even give you the incentive to let your children do more on their own."

Compare notes. Want reassurance that you're not alone in feeling imperfect? Talk with other moms you trust, such as your sisters or old college pals. Realizing there's no such thing as a parent with a permanently sunny disposition or one who hasn't forgotten to sign a permission slip can make you feel less alone. "You'll see that nobody knows everything about working and raising children," says Dr. Connolly. "It helps you realize that you don't need to do everything just right to be a good mom."

Model imperfection. Let your children see you try new things, fail and try again. "If you make a mistake, apologize if necessary or talk to them about what you would do differently," says Dr. Connolly. If your banana bread came out underdone, you laugh it off, saying, "I guess I needed to cook that a little longer." If you rushed your child out the door while she was in the middle of talking, take her aside later and say, "You know what? I'm sorry I interrupted you before. I'd love to hear the rest of your story." Ultimately, every mom wants her children to reach their potential. It's probably part of the reason you work, to provide the best life possible for your children. Your child's destiny may not be to go to Harvard, discover the cure for cancer or become the next Tiger Woods, just as you didn't become Marie Curie, Madeleine Albright or J.K. Rowling. Everyone is born with innate strengths and weaknesses, and if you and your children discover things and people you truly love, work that's fulfilling and joy each day, you might find that being "good enough" is, in fact, pretty great.