If you could keep just one New Year's resolution, wouldn't it be to
stop screaming and start chilling when you're with your kids? You try
to stay calm when the milk spills, your toddler bites or your teen
talks back. But it takes more than counting to ten when your kids use
the kitchen wall as a canvas for crayons. Because we all want to remain
lovingly low-key amidst the chaos, we sought advice from Working Mother
columnist and renowned pediatrician William Sears, MD, and his wife,
Martha—who survived raising eight (gasp!) children. "Kids can be
annoying and push our buttons," acknowledges Dr. Sears. "But as parents
we set the tone. Show them you're okay and have things under control,
and you can turn pandemonium into peace." So when your child spills
juice on your silk suit the morning of a big meeting, imagine how you'd
want to be treated if you were your kid. Martha Sears says that over
time she got pretty good at conceptualizing how she'd want her mom to
react if roles were reversed. On manic mornings she kept cool by
internalizing a sense of the parent she wanted to be. She learned that
while she couldn't always control circumstances, she could control her
reaction to them. Knowing that many of our wise reader moms also have
temper-taming tricks up their sleeves, we sought their advice, too.
Among these ideas may be your best bet for becoming the mom you want to
be in 2006.

As a working mother of a toddler, there
are times when my fuse is set to blow. But when I feel the anger
coming, I take a moment to remember how boring life was before my
daughter. I also remind myself that when she's an opinionated
16-year-old with a driver's license, I'll look back at her messes and
mild disobedience with nostalgia. If that doesn't do the trick, I sing
the alphabet song—loud. My daughter often forgets what she's doing and
joins in. If she doesn't, the tune usually calms me down. When I do
lose my temper, I always apologize. My daughter rewards my "I'm sorry"
with a kiss.  
        
—Shaheen Pasha, 28; Imaan, 2

If I'm upset or angry with one of my three sons, I'll cuddle next to
him for a few minutes when I tuck him in for the night. With the lights
dimmed, in whispered conversation, it's easier to discuss what he did
to upset me and what he needs to do to correct it. I always end our
conversation by asking if he knows how much I love him. Since my 9- and
11-year-olds think they're too old for mom kisses, we end the night
giggling as I wrestle them for a smooch on the cheek. Most important,
no one goes to bed upset.    
—Mirtha Valdes Martin, 40; Alexander, 11, Patrick, 9, and Parker, 4

I keep my cool by exercising. Every day I get up at 5:00 a.m. and hit the gym.
I joke that my exercising keeps my children alive and well. But
truthfully, it gives me a great sense of peace, calm and organization.
I come up with my best ideas and solutions when I'm working out.
—Fabi Moy, 40; Zach, 11, and Georgie, 8

I write all of our family's rules down on our kitchen chalkboard. The
kids even add their own! When one misbehaves, I'll go to the chalkboard
and say, "These are the rules in this house. Are you behaving in an
acceptable way?" That way the chalkboard does the talking, so I don't
have to get upset repeating myself.   
—Kelly Nordstrom, 35; Parker Sue, 5, and Paige, 3

To keep the peace in my house, I've learned to say no: no to
overscheduling, no to unnecessary commitments. Overloading your
schedule so that your family runs around like chickens is not worth it
in the long run. We only do what we can handle, and we stick to
routines that work well, like having regular mealtimes each day. We
also stick to our house rules, and I choose only the battles that
really count. For example, if I say concert T-shirts can't be worn to
school, I won't fuss about the color of the shirt my child picks
instead.   
—Carolyn Hughes, 37; Jonathan, 12, Nicholas, 8, and Benjamin, 5

I get my kids to behave by asking them to repeat what I need them to do
and tell me why I need them to do it. I'll say, for instance, "Please
put on your shoes
for school because we are leaving in five minutes." If they get off
track, I calmly ask them to look in my eyes and tell me what they need
to do. If I have to ask a third time, I add a consequence. All the
while I retreat into a place of patience.
—Catherine Parsons, 35; Sabrina, 6, and Donald, 3

We get up early to allow us enough time to wake up peacefully and get
out the door with time to spare. Growing up, I had four siblings, and
one was always running late—which made parent tempers flare every
morning. Now that I'm a mom, I've made a conscious decision not to
begin the day that way. Getting an early start has been especially
important for my asthmatic daughter because it allows enough time for a
treatment, should she need it. She's 14 years old now, and we both
still enjoy that extra a.m. time together.   
—Mary Furrie, 51; Katie, 14